100 YEARS OLD AND STILL LEAVES VOICE MESSAGES...

AYOUNG lady just rang me and asked whether I was aware that 18 per cent of small business owners have taken business calls when at a funeral.

“By ‘small business owners’ do you mean owners of small businesses or people of less than average height who own businesses?” I asked. “The former,” she said. “How small?” I queried. “Micro businesses,” she clarified. “That is to say businesses employing fewer than 10 people. The figure comes from a survey by Moneypenny, the world’s largest suppliers of...”

“Are you aware,” I interrupted her, “that 18 per cent of people say that some of their best friendships have been inspired by the relationship between Pooh and Piglet?”

“No,” she said. “I didn’t know that. Moneypenny supply phone answering and outsourced switchboard services.”

“Are you suggesting,” I asked in a disapproving tone, “that people who are inspired by Pooh and Piglet take business calls at funerals?”

“No, not at all,” she spluttered with a note of panic in her voice. “That could be a different 18 per cent.”

“Perhaps it’s the 18 per cent of men whom a survey last year identified as thinking that being well-groomed was more important than parenting skills,” I said. “They’re probably too busy dressing up and going to funerals and running their businesses to read tales of Pooh and Piglet to their children. No wonder they have so few employees.”

“What we can do for them,” my caller persevered, “is provide voicemail messages tailored to their needs.”

“I don’t think Pooh or Piglet even had phones, let alone answerphones,” I said, “so I doubt very much that basing one’s relationship on that of Pooh and Piglet would be remotely useful in dealing with the etiquette of how to deal with the problem of whether to take a phone call from a friend when you are at a funeral.”

“Seventy per cent of micro-business owners have taken business calls in the toilet,” she said in a hushed whisper.

“No wonder 70 per cent of workers feel overworked, and 70 per cent of men feel intimidated by adulterous women, and 70 per cent of dog owners would rather stay at home with the dog than go out and meet new friends,” I replied, as the implications of what I had been told sank home.

Piglet was all set to go to Eeyore’s funeral after the poor donkey had choked on a thistle but as soon as he opened his door to leave, he spotted Kanga with baby Roo in her pouch.

“Are you going to Eeyore’s funeral?” Piglet asked.

“Definitely,” said Kanga. “I’m hoping to pick up a man. We kangaroos aren’t monogamous, you know.”

Piglet was appalled and hid in the toilet where his pet dog was already cowering in an intimidated state. Then his phone rang. And rang and rang.

“The more it rings, tiddleypom,” thought Pooh, for it was he who was calling, “the more I fear Piglet must be overworked. I must get him an answerphone for his un-birthday.”

This could be the end of a beautiful friendship, tiddleypom.