BEACHCOMBER
100 YEARS OLD AND STILL COLLECTING SURVEYS...
AMONG the myriad phone calls I received yesterday two stood out from the seasonal declarations of eternal love and proposals of marriage. One was from a young lady who told me that according to a survey from the Iceland frozen food people, 66 per cent of Britons have never eaten lobster; the other was from a different young lady who informed me that according to a poll by Asda, 13 per cent of Britons do not believe in romance.
Now other polls I have seen recently tell me that 66 per cent of people think that the internet creates more choice than they need or want, 66 per cent of childhood best friends met by the age of eight, 66 per cent of Labour party members support Jeremy Corbyn, 66 per cent of patients keep leftover pills after treatment and 66 per cent of people think wealth is an outdated measure of success.
Meanwhile, 13 per cent of airline pilots suffer from depression, 13 per cent of men say their marriage proposal went exactly as planned, 13 per cent of motorists have been involved in at least one collision with a pet or animal in the last five years, 13 per cent of people trust the Americans to store data and 13 per cent of small business owners have taken business calls when at a wedding. All of which made me wonder what happens if Mr 13 per cent meets Miss 66 per cent at a restaurant on a blind date.
They looked into each other’s eyes, then rapidly turned away to study the menu. “Would you like the lobster?” he asked. “I know it’s expensive, but I can afford it. I’m an airline pilot.”
“I’ve never tried lobster,” she said. Anyway I’m not impressed by your money. I think wealth is an outdated measure of success.”
“Oh,” he said, feeling rather depressed. “Would you rather come home with me and we can order something from the internet?”
“I don’t think so,” she replied. “The internet creates more choice than I want. It’s impossible to decide. I think I’ll just have a tin of cold baked beans. That’s Jeremy Corbyn’s favourite.” “Oh,” he said again. “You sound depressed,” she said.” Is that because you’re one of the 13 per cent of airline pilots or is it my fault?”
“It’s not your fault,” he said, “but where did you get that 13 per cent figure from? Was it in an American survey? I always feel I can trust the US when it comes to data.”
“Well I don’t,” she replied. “Look, I think it’s best if I go home. If we really wanted to be friends, we should have met by the time we were eight.”
“I suppose you’re right,” he said. “I’ll give you a lift.” Just as he got to her house, however, he ran over her cat. Trying to make amends he offered to marry her but she just slammed the car door, ran into the house and took some painkillers she had left over from a bout of ‘flu years ago.
“Well that went about as well as expected,” he said. “Never mind, I don’t really believe in romance anyway. And even if we’d got married I’d probably have spoiled it all by taking a business call at the wedding.” And they both lived unhappily ever after.