100 YEARS OLD AND STILL ENJOYING HIS SLEEP...

YESTERDAY, I was rudely awoken at 6.55am by a young lady from the British Broadcasting Corporation seeking my opinion on some matter of minor importance.

“Madam,” I said when I had ascertained the time, “even my closest friends and associates never, under any circumstances disturb me before 9am and only do so between 9 and 10 if it is a matter of life and death.”

The sincerity of her apology, however, was so obvious that I gave her the benefit of my wisdom then rose from my interrupted slumbers and caught an early train to work, sleeping soundly until I arrived in London.

The curious thing was that as soon as I arrived at my desk, another young lady rang and told me that 14 per cent of people listen to music in bed.

“What’s wrong with them? Can’t they sleep?” I asked grumpily.

“Perhaps,” she said, “but maybe it’s just that they think of bed as a good place to listen to music. After all, 32 per cent of people watch the television in bed according to a survey by the LaptopsDirect web site.”

They’s very disturbing,” I said. “For 86 per cent of British children aged from five to 14 are worried about Donald Trump being US President.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, “I don’t see the connection.”

So I spelt it out for her: “If 86 per cent of children are afraid of the big bad Trump, then 14 per cent is all the rest of them as 100 minus 86 equals 14. You just told me that 14 per cent of people listen to music in bed, so I think these poor children are deliberately doing so in order to close their ears to any news about Donald Trump.”

“I’m not sure that follows,” she said hesitantly, but I hadn’t finished.

“Furthermore,” I boomed, “if 32 per cent of people watch TV in bed but only 14 per cent listen to music, that means that 18 per cent must turn their televisions off when music comes on. Is it any surprise that 18 per cent of men say that money worries cause them to lose sleep? They go to bed full of financial anxiety, turn the television on, turn it off again because music has come on, and then their anxieties return. Don’t they know that music can have a very calming influence at such moments? Is it any wonder that 18 per cent of people throw food away when it reaches its sell-by date? No wonder they have financial worries: they paid for all that food they’re throwing away and now they have to buy more of it.”

“I see what you’re getting at,” she said, “and I’ve just noticed that 68 per cent of people use their smartphones in bed. With 32 per cent watching TV, that could mean that everyone in bed is either using a smartphone or TV watching, except when music is on.”

“That explains everything,” I said. “I was woken, you see, by a phone call at 6.55 this morning. I imagine it was from someone who was allegedly working at home but actually lying in bed watching telly, then some music came on, she turned the TV off, then grabbed her smartphone to disturb me because she couldn’t sleep and didn’t see why I should be allowed to. What is the world coming to?” At which point, I think I must have dozed off again.