Nobody here but us chickeNs So you want to keep your own flock?

Many people fancy having a few hens and, as MARTIN GURDON explains, they are adorably bird-brained pets (as well as providing breakfast eggs)

feed me then?” look when I venture into the garden.

There have been less happy medical outcomes. Our one and only fox attack resulted in a bitten wing, a failed partial amputation and a £200 bill. I won’t go into details about a condition called sour crop, but another of our birds succumbed to it after £80 worth of vet visits.

Even medical successes can have unintended consequences. One hatchling grew into a giant, lumpen bird we christened Yvette. She started limping and then couldn’t stand, and I reluctantly arranged for her dispatch at the vet.

I’d brought her in a cardboard box and seeing the syringe of doom the bird used her wings to stagger back inside it. In the circumstances the vet thought she deserved another chance.

I made a sort of hen baby bouncer out of string and an old shirt, and spent weeks providing DIY chicken physiotherapy. After a bit the animal could stand but was unable to walk. On the patio I proffered handfuls of raisins. She’d lunge at them then fall over, then take a step and fall over.

When she did start walking her knees had seized up so she goosestepped everywhere. By now she was huge, greedy and taking a strange interest in some of the other lady hens.

I took Yvette back to the vet, who was almost crying with laughter as her patient put up with a very personal examination.

“There’s a bit of both in there,” said the vet. “It’s probably always going to be a virgin and don’t expect any eggs.”

In fact “she” became “he” and developed a seduction technique that involved goose-stepping victims from behind.

One suffered stress-related partial feather loss so we swapped Yvette for a smaller, more malleable cockerel.

“It’s walking in a funny way,” said Yvette’s new owner. “Oh,” we said, all innocence. “So it is.”

Yes, we’ve spent a fortune at the vet but in terms of bizarre entertainment value, we’ve certainly had our money’s worth. lunge,

Check your house deeds to make sure you’re allowed to keep hens.

Cockerels are noisy, so if you’re thinking of an urban flock girls only is probably best.

Chickens can destroy lawns and flower beds. They really need a separate enclosure. They need a secure, predator-proof place to roost.

Handle your chickens regularly. This will help show you if they’re losing weight or have other problems.

Rescuing ex-battery hens is fun and heartwarming but the birds may only have a short life. Bantams are fun but can be very feisty.

Big “heavy breed” chickens such as Orpingtons and Brahmas can be very docile. Read up on different breed characteristics.

Some breeds lay more eggs than others. Age, winter and moulting can reduce or stop egg laying.