Into the tunnel of football
THE hunt is on for a site in London to build an ITV theme park offering a “distinctive visitor experience” and “experiential events”. So apart from watching your favourite ITV shows you could also get to sit in a swivel chair from The Voice or inspect the wigs and corsetry from Downton. Anything that calls itself an “experience” is basically a ploy to extract money, to squeeze the last drop of value out of a brand. Mostly I’d rather, you know, simply watch Downton and… er… not watch The Voice at all.
But I must be in the minority because psychologists have found that “experiential purchases are more gratifying, on average, than material purchases”. Which means it’s more enjoyable to be given a Cordon Bleu cooking lesson for your birthday than a bracelet, more memorable to go for a ride in a hotair balloon than unwrap a nice silk tie and a bottle of eau de toilette.
The latest experiential thrill for football supporters is what Manchester City is calling the Tunnel Club. For around £299 per game (and up to £15,000 per season) fans can buy access to the area around the tunnel that leads to the pitch itself and – while eating posh nosh and drinking “premium wine” in plush surroundings – see all the comings and goings and backstage dramas through glass. Tottenham is to have a similar tunnel club when its new stadium opens.
Even gladiators in ancient Rome had a moment to themselves before they faced the lions. You wonder where it ends though. Perhaps for an additional fee you’ll be able to look into the dressing room itself to watch the boys floss and pull on their shorts?
It sounds such a cynical moneyspinner and it will undoubtedly be wildly successful because we’re all suckers for “access”: for having our name on a list on the door; for having an “access all areas” badge on a lanyard at a rock concert; for speedy boarding passes; for those little VIP extras that make you feel privileged and special.
The Tunnel Club also reminds me of posters I’ve seen for the Port Lympne Wild Animal Park in Kent. You can rent a two-bedroom lodge with complimentary toiletries, fluffy bathrobes and a state-of-the-art TV. The difference between this and any other weekend cottage is that through your secure glass windows you can see the reserve’s tigers padding around outside.
LABOUR MP Chris Williamson has again floated the idea of women-only train carriages and got a good slapping. And anyway in these gender fluid times isn’t it a redundant idea? We’d all decide to “identify as female” if it meant getting a seat.
You will, says the publicity “sleep in a tiger’s world”. Without being eaten.
Could one watch tigers in these opulent and artificial circumstances without feeling rather queasy about what you were doing? I might even feel a bit intrusive peering at the exhibits in the Tunnel Club. But I suppose footballers are used to being treated like animals in a zoo. And at least they’re handsomely rewarded which is more than you can say for the tigers.