I did think she’d feel a bit sheepish

REMEMBER the Country Code? Once upon a time we were all taught it. The two golden rules were: ALWAYS close gates behind you. NEVER let your dog off the lead when crossing a farmer’s fields. And so on.

Behind our house here in Cornwall there’s a beautiful but steep meadow rolling down to the beach. A public footpath runs along one side of it. Last week I noticed that someone had left the gate open, so I went through, closed it behind me, and headed down the hill.

Almost immediately I spied the culprit; a dozy-looking woman walking her collie. Off the lead. It was racing all over the meadow, which unusually but thankfully didn’t contain any of our neighbouring farmer’s sheep.

When I caught up with her I asked, politely: “Have you walked in this field earlier today?” “No,” she said. “Why?” “Because I’m wondering how you could possibly know there were no sheep in it. They often huddle out of sight around a corner at the bottom.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, “I don’t understand.”

“That’s obvious,” I replied. “You left the gate wide open and your dog’s running off the leash. If there’d been sheep in here he would have been right in among them, terrifying them. Because you stupidly left the gate open some of them would have burst out into the lane into the beach traffic and there would have been chaos.”

She glared at me defiantly. “Well there aren’t any sheep in here, are there?”

“No. But there might have been. There usually are. And as far as you or I know the farmer might be backing a trailer-load of them through that top gate right at this moment and we’ll have a nightmare on our hands.” “I think you’re being very rude.” I shrugged. “I’m not, but actually, I give up.” I took out my phone. ‘I’m going to take your picture and put it on Twitter with the caption: ‘If you recognise this woman, you’ll know she’s an idiot.’ Now that IS rude. But fair.”

Of course I had no intention of doing anything of the kind but it did the trick. Sulkily she called her dog, clipped on the lead, and marched off in high dudgeon.

Later I called on our neighbour and told him what had happened. He rubbed his face with both hands.

“This happens every week,” he said gloomily. “Even when people SEE there are sheep in the field they let their dogs run free. When I run in to tell them off and try to protect my livestock they look at me as if I’M the one in the wrong.”

Walking in the countryside? Shut gates. Dogs on leads. And if you see someone breaking the golden rules, tell them off. They deserve it. YET more revelations about Diana, Charles, William and Harry. It’s not good for them and not good for us, who are having our most vengeful instincts manipulated by constant media coverage of the distant end of a painful marriage.

Wills and Harry say they won’t talk about their mother’s death again. I bet they’re sorry they’ve been persuaded by their PR to say as much as they have. As William says, it’s tempting to put your own story out there. “Open that door. But once you’ve opened it, you can never close it again,” he said.

Exactly. Enough now, boys. Enough.