100 YEARS OLD AND STILL ANSWERS HIS OWN PHONE...

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Today’s mismatch features the 42 percenters and the 58 percenters who form their incompatible mismatches. We have chosen this figure to throw light on a survey we have just received which reports that 42 per cent of people hate answering their phones.

Let us see, first of all, who these 42 percent of phonophobes might be:

Earlier surveys conducted this year tell us that 42 per cent of people don’t stay up until midnight on New Year’s Eve; 42 per cent of UK online gamers are female; 42 per cent of consumers like their coffee light and smooth and 42 per cent of people see apologising for anything and everything as a defining British characteristic.

From these findings, we can see immediately why they don’t like answering the phone: first, they might already have gone to bed and don’t want to be woken up by someone wishing them a Happy New Year; second, they see the call as an unwanted interruption to their online gaming; third, they fear that their light and smooth coffee will probably go cold while they are on the phone; fourth, they think the call is probably someone either offering or demanding an apology, which in the first case will only lead to wasting time on insincere ”oh-that’s-all-right-I-wasn’t-bothered” and think-nothing-of-it” fibs to get rid of them, and in the second case will only lead to further infuriation from the caller when told that it’s after midnight, you’ve just run out of time and folded a winning hand, and your coffee’s getting cold.

The picture, however, gets even worse when we look at the other 58 per cent who don’t mind answering the phone, for 58 per cent of women have unblocked a sink and 58 per cent of people think talking about the weather is a defining British characteristic.

The utter ghastliness of it all now becomes clear. Ms 58 percent, a typical phonophiliac, rings up a random 42 per center she knows. “Hello George,” she says when he answers (for in my own admittedly limited experience, I have found that many 42 percenters are called ‘George’).

“What do you want,” he responds sullenly, for remember, he hates talking on the phone.

“It’s all this rain we’ve been having,” she replies, hoping that talking about the weather will put him at his ease. “I know the heavy rainfall must be playing havoc with the drainage system which could oh so easily cause flowback along domestic pipes causing sink blockages and who knows what else. I just thought I’d ring and offer my services if you’ve been suffering from such an event. I have unblocked sinks before, you know.”

“Yes,” he says, “I know. And please be assured that you will be the first person I contact with a dodgy drain.” And there, I fear, the romance ends.