100 YEARS OLD AND STILL LOOKING FOR TRUE LOVE...
CHRISTMAS this year has been little short of a total disaster, both romantically and gastronomically. It all started on Christmas Day itself when a special delivery arrived.
It came in an enormous package which I dragged into the house without looking at it. I ripped off the wrapping in joyous expectation and found that it contained some sort of fruit tree with, of all things, a partridge sitting in its branches. An accompanying note identified the sender as “Your True Love” and I must say I was appalled.
“What on earth is the dear girl playing at?” I asked myself. “Doesn’t she think I have anything to feed the family and serfs on the estate on this Christmas?”
Actually I do have a rather enticing recipe for partridge with pears and splendidly meaty Christmas stuffing from the admirable Galton Blackiston but partridges are such scrawny birds. Does my True Love really think that one is enough to feed everyone on the Beachcomber estate? And why a whole tree? Blackiston’s recipe only needs three pears with four partridges. What should I do with the rest of them?
I emailed my True Love with muted thanks for the thought but told her we had plenty enough food already as I had bought enough dead animals for a 10-bird roast and there are plenty enough trees in the garden already.
Yesterday however another delivery arrived containing another tree, another partridge and, of all things, two turtle doves. Has she completely lost her senses?
The European turtle dove (Streptopelia turtur) is, I shall feel obliged to remind her, a vulnerable and decreasing species. Furthermore, they are migratory and usually spend from September to April in Africa. So where did my supposedly True Love get this one from and what is she doing sending it to me? I strongly suspect that as it is a wild bird, I am not allowed to keep it in a cage unless I can prove it was acquired legally but there are no documents with it to attest to that fact. Is the wretched girl trying to get me arrested, or what?
I looked up information on sexing turtle doves to find out if she had sent me a breeding pair and found details of the usual differences between males and females but these came with a warning that, “Some birds cannot be sexed since these differences are not always evident”. Well I’ll look a real fool if I try to mate two males or two females.
As if the two partridges and pear trees were not enough to worry about! Had the stupid woman not read my email? I did point out that one partridge would not go far among my hordes of expected Christmas guests but I certainly didn’t ask for another one. Anyway, the remains of the 10-bird roast are already clogging up the fridge. How on earth am I expected to squeeze another partridge in?
The girl has, I fear, overstepped the mark this time by a distance of four birds and two trees. Anyway, all I wanted was a pair of socks. She’ll have to go, I’m afraid. My advert for a new True Love goes up tomorrow.