100 YEARS OLD AND STILL MAKING PREDICTIONS...
THE new year has begun and the runes have been cast. Here are my predictions for the forthcoming year. January: Negotiations between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un begin but rapidly reach an impasse over the question of whether North and South Korea should have a soft or hard border between them.
February: In view of the international tension, the crossing-the-border-thon is cancelled in the Winter Olympics in South Korea.
March: Rupert Murdoch secures TV rights for coverage of both the royal wedding and the Third World War.
April: Trump infuriates Kim Jon-un by starting to build a wall between North and South Korea. “It’s a big, big wall,” says the President, “hard and nuclear-bombproof.”
May: Trump turns up uninvited to the royal wedding and puts a curse on Harry and Meghan involving a spinning wheel and 100 years’ sleep. Rupert Murdoch demands a rebate; Norwegian TV bids for rights to broadcast the 100 years’ sleep as part of its pioneering slow TV.
June: David Davis, from whom nothing has been heard all year, reports that trade talks in the Brexit negotiations are going well.
July: Impasse in the Brexit trade talks as the UK tries to impose an import tax on spinning wheels.
August: The British government issues a formal apology for the behaviour of the former King Henry VIII towards women. “His behaviour was below the standards expected of an English monarch, particularly in lopping the heads off Anne Boleyn and Catherine Howard.”
September: The surprise new TV hit of the year is the series of Professional Master Negotiator in which contestants are set negotiating tasks in the studio. There is a sensation in the very first round when David Davis is eliminated after failing to negotiate his way out of a paper bag.
October: As Slothmania continues to spread, this month will be renamed Slothtober and see even more fundraisers than Movember, Decembeard and Veganuary. And best of all, the truly slothful can join in by not doing anything at all, without growing any unsightly facial hair or eating bland vegetables.
November: Brexit trade talks again become bogged down, this time over the question of nomenclature for Brussels sprouts. The UK has announced that after Brexit these will be known simply as “sprouts” but the EU is insisting on no change during a transitional period of at least 10 years to avoid confusion with beansprouts and sprouting broccoli.
December: Nuclear fallout from the conflict between the USA and North Korea causes delays and cancellations on many rail networks in the UK. In a joint statement from several major networks, a spokesman says: “This is due to the unavailability of staff owing to sickness or hiding in nuclear shelters, and poor weather conditions caused by the blocking out of the sun. Normal delays and cancellations are expected to resume tomorrow.”