101 YEARS OLD AND STILL COUNTS EVERY PERCENTAGE...

THE trouble with the young people of today is that they don’t take percentages seriously. Today, to increase percentage awareness, I am pleased to publish another title from the Mills & Beach statistically validated romance imprint. It is called “43 is not the answer” and is based on the following findings in surveys conducted in recent weeks.

43 per cent of adults say they can’t help eating snacks out of boredom;

43 per cent of people toss pancakes when they make them;

43 per cent of millennials have never sent a hand-written letter;

43 per cent of people think Paris is the most romantic city;

43 per cent of Londoners go on more than one date a week;

57 per cent of women feel stressed at their job;

57 per cent of pancake tossers say they do it because it’s fun.

57 per cent of women are either overweight or obese.

57 per cent of 21-34 year-olds think public spaces should provide genderneutral toilets. Now read on:

Their eyes met across a Shrove Tuesday skillet and it was love at first toss. As soon as Mr Fortythree had flipped the pancake Ms Phyphty seven laughed with glee and he felt sure he has found the woman he had always longer for. She was a bit on the large size, which he took as a sure sign that she couldn’t help eating snacks, and her laugh showed that she appreciated the fun of tossing pancakes.

“Come to Paris with me,” he begged her. It’s such a romantic city and we can toss and eat pancakes together.”

“Ooh,” she said, “I’ll have to think about that. Could you write me a formal invitation?”

“I’ve never done a handwritten letter in my life,” he said. “I’m not sure I’d know how. Have you ever done it?”

“Of course I have,” she said. “I’m not one of those text-message and Twittering types.”

“But I took you for a 43 percenter like me,” he said. “You clearly love snacking and your glee at my pancake tossing shows that you toss too.”

“No I don’t,” she said, “but if I did, I’d do it because it was fun. I’m more a cautious, risk-avoiding, pancake flipper-overer than a tosser. And I don’t snack because I can’t resist it, I snack because I’m stressed at my job.”

“What exactly is your job?” he asked, hoping her answer would boost their chances of a future relationship.

“I’m a campaigner for genderneutral public toilets,” she said. “It’s a tough job and very stressful, and it’s also the reason I don’t want to go to Paris. Trying to explain why people should build gender-neutral toilets is bad enough, but having to do it in French would only add to the stress.”

“What a boring lady,” he thought. “She’s a 57 percenter if ever I saw one. They have nothing in common with us 43 percenters,” and he was so bored that he ate another pancake. The girl he had dated the previous day then arrived and said, ungrammatically, “Was you chattin’ up that fat bird?”

“Yes,” he said. “I’m from London, you know,” and another potential relationship bit the dust.