101 YEARS OLD AND STILL WORRIED BY CATS AND OWLS...

TRANSCRIPT of a case in the matrimonial court before Judge Alicia “Moose” Horseblanket III, with Mr Merkyn Threadbare QC appearing for the appellant Ms A Pussycat, Mr Hiller Beanz appearing for Mr Owl, spouse of the plaintiff. The judge opened the proceedings and asked Mr Threadbare to make his opening statement.

Threadbare: “My client is asking for annulment of her marriage on the grounds of abduction, cruelty, interspecies incompatibility and procedural abnormality. Our evidence for all of the above is conclusive and we trust the court will reach a speedy decision in our favour. I call my first witness, Ms Pussycat. [Pussycat takes the stand.] Ms Pussycat, can you explain in your own words, the events leading up to your disputed marriage ceremony?”

Pussycat: “It all started when I met Mr Owl and he invited me on a ride in his sailing boat. I thought it would just be a quick trip round the bay but we sailed away for ages.” Judge: “How long precisely?” Pussycat: “It was over a year.” Judge: “Can you be more precise?” Pussycat: “We finally disembarked after about a year and a day somewhere I didn’t recognise at all.”

Threadbare: “What can you tell us about the place where you landed?” Pussycat: “It was full of bong trees.” Judge: “Bong trees?” Pussycat: “Yes. Bong trees.” Threadbare: “Perhaps I can explain, your Mooseship, that ‘Bong Tree’ is a common name for Nothaphoebe umbelliflora, an evergreen tropical tree in the Lauraceae family found in Thailand where it is also called the yang bong tree.” Judge: “Thank you, please proceed.” Threadbare: “And when you disembarked, no doubt tired and disorientated by the long journey, did Owl propose marriage?”

Beanz: “Objection! Counsel is leading the witness. My client will produce evidence that it was Ms Pussycat who proposed marriage, indeed maintaining that they had tarried too long at sea.”

Judge: “Objection sustained. Let Mr Threadbare’s last question be struck from the record.”

Threadbare: “Let us then proceed to the alleged marriage ceremony. Had Mr Owl, with wedding aforethought, brought a ring with him on the boat?”

Pussycat: “No Sir. He acquired a ring from a pig which was wearing it through his nose.”

Judge: “How was the ring removed from the porcine nose?”

Pussycat: “With a pair of pliers. That’s where the cruelty comes in. Owl had paid the pig one shilling for the ring, then yanked it out with pliers causing clear distress to the pig which squealed like a… well, like a pig.”

Judge: ”Did the pig then perform the marriage ceremony?” Pussycat: “No. It was a turkey.” Judge: “Do bong trees grow in Turkey then? Didn’t you say Thailand?”

Pussycat: “It was a turkey that married us, not the country of Turkey.”

Judge: “Can turkeys conduct interspecies marriages in Thailand?”

[The case was adjourned to seek expert advice on the matter.]