DODDY’S DAFT DELIGHTS
“How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.”
“She was a big girl – she could stir-fry a leg of lamb. She tried the ‘speak your weight’ machine. It said: ‘To be continued.’”
“My teeth are all my own. I just finished paying for them.”
“So it turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn’t make the sound of a coconut.”
“I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.”
“I used to think I was marvelous in bed until I discovered that all my girlfriends suffered from asthma.”
“Men’s legs have a terribly lonely life – standing in the dark in your trousers all day.”
“Doctor: ‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m approaching 50’. ‘From which direction?’”
“Fifty-five years in show business, ladies and gentlemen. That’s a hell of a long time to wait for a laugh.”
“How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Nobody knows. It’s never been tried.”
“They stole that idea from me,” – referring to his famous tax fraud trial.
“My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying: ‘Well, that taught me a lesson’.”
“The French didn’t object to British beef in 1940.”
“Good evening, my name is Kenneth Arthur Dodd, singer, photographic playboy and failed accountant.”
“I’ve seen a topless lady ventriloquist. Nobody has ever seen her lips move.”
“So this fellow tells the doctor: ‘Every time I sneeze I feel very sexy.’ The doctor asks: ‘What do you take?’ ‘Pepper’.”
“Love makes the world go round, or it does if you are a man over 50.”
“What a wonderful day for knocking on the Kremlin door and asking ‘Is Len in?’”
“Tonight when you get home, put a handful of ice cubes down your wife’s nightie and say: ‘There’s the chest freezer you always wanted.”
“It’s 10 years since I went out of my mind. I’d never go back.”
“My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby he said, ‘Is this a joke?’”
“Age doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese,” – on approaching his 80th birthday.
“An official went to ask my big Auntie Nellie to come off the beach because the tide was waiting to come in.”