BEACHCOMBER

101 YEARS OLD AND STILL WELL FED BY PERCENTAGES...

AYOUNG lady just rang and asked me whether I was aware that only 17 per cent of people take a full hour off for lunch. “The traditional lunch-hour is a thing of the past,” she said.

I paused before replying, then said: “Excuse me for asking but are you the same young lady who a week or two ago told me that insurance claims for water damage are 17 per cent higher on Thursday the 12th than on Friday the 13th?”

“I am thrilled that you remember me,” she said, “but this is completely different. It’s from a survey about lunchtimes by Wagamama…”

“Excuse me for interrupting,” I interrupted, “but what’s this obsession you have with 17 per cent?”

“It’s not an obsession,” she retorted. “It’s just a coincidence.”

“Are you aware,” I asked, “that 17 per cent of children aged five to 14 think that they will live until they are 200 years old? Might this not explain why their parents linger over lunch?”

“Be that as it may,” she said, “our survey shows that 25 per cent of people wolf down their lunches in between eight and 15 minutes. We call this a Nano lunch and have launched a time-saving wagamamago app…”

“I hate the word ‘app’,” I said. “It’s just an ugly abbreviation of application, which could mean anything. Whatever happened to the good old term ‘computer program’?”

“Our app,” she persisted, “lets people order before they arrive, saving both waiting time on arrival and the time it takes for a bill to arrive at the end. It’s designed to meet the needs of the time-pressed 25 per cent.”

“Have you thought about the other 75 per cent?” I asked. “75 per cent of people have no idea what the maximum amount of salt they should consume each day is and 75 per cent of people admit to dunking biscuits every day during the colder months.

“How can you expect people to bolt their food down in less than 15 minutes when they are worried about the amount of salt they are eating and don’t want the tea to splash around while they are dunking their daily biscuit?

“I’ll have you know that dunking is a practice that must be conducted with great precision if you don’t want to end up with a piece of soggy biscuit breaking off and slowly sinking to the bottom of the cup. Did you know, incidentally, that halophilous means salt-loving, though it may only be used for plants that live in salt marshes?”

“Halophobes and dunkophiles apart,” she said, don’t you think our wagamamago concept will be great for Nano lunchers? Will you tell your readers about it?”

“Have you thought of providing a wagamamagogo disco downstairs for over-eaters to dance off their excess calories?” I asked.

“We haven’t thought of that yet,” she admitted. “One thing at a time but thank you for suggesting it. So will you be keeping your readers informed?”

“Rest assured that as soon as your wagamamagogo discos are up and running, I shall write about them,” I replied, and we left it at that.