101 YEARS OLD AND STILL TEASING YOUNG LADIES...

AYOUNG lady just rang me and asked whether I realised that 82 per cent of people understand that sensible management of vitamins is important to stay healthy.

“That’s awful,” I said, “for 18 per cent of people, which is all the others, say that apple crumble is their favourite dessert. That means that basically we have the choice between vitamins and apple crumble, and of those two I would definitely choose the crumble.”

“But 37 per cent of people who take vitamin supplements do so to support their immune system,” she said.

“Well that’s hardly surprising,” I said, “for 37 per cent of workers confess going to great lengths to keep biscuits all for themselves, and 37 per cent of people leave the house at the same time every day. Is it not clear that they have chosen the moment when nobody else is around so they can dash out of the house and scoff all the biscuits unseen by anyone? And with all that biscuit-eating, it is surely not surprising that their immune systems need a bit of support.”

“Sadly,” she said, “24 per cent of people think vitamin supplements are too expensive for everyday use. Perhaps if they didn’t spend so much on biscuits they could afford them.”

“Perhaps,” I agreed, “but it is also worth pointing out that 24 per cent of people say they would feel ashamed if they didn’t leave a tip in a restaurant and 24 per cent of people think that wearing a Barbour jacket and brightly coloured trousers is a sign of poshness. They could surely save enough to buy biscuits if they gave up tipping in a restaurant when the service or food was disappointing and they stopped trying to look posh by purchasing over-expensive jackets and trousers. Incidentally, while you’re on the line, I’d like to ask why you called.”

“I called to tell you all about our survey on people’s attitudes to vitamins,” she said, “and let you know about the Super Squash Sessions being organised by Tetley to educate the public on the benefits of their new way to enjoy taking vitamins. Did you know that 21 per cent of people who take vitamins do so in order to combat tiredness?”

“That’s also hardly surprising,” I said, “for 21 per cent of GPs have cut back on routine appointments. Is it not likely that these poor, tired people are taking vitamins for tiredness because they can’t get an appointment with the GP and receive proper medication?”

“If I agree with you,” she said in a tired voice, followed by a gulp in which I strongly suspected she was taking a vitamin supplement, “will you tell your readers about Tetley’s new vitamin teas and squashes, and our survey?”

“I’m sorry,” I said insincerely, “I can’t say I’m really very interested in vitamin supplements, and as for your survey, I already have as many percentages as I need. Round about May each year, I find that I have already accumulated at least one survey for every percentage from 1 to 99, and that’s enough for anyone. Do call back early next year.”

I doubt that she will.