101 YEARS OLD AND STILL COMPLETELY IN CHARGE...

THERE has been much idle speculation and indeed fake news in recent weeks suggesting that I am not totally in control of negotiations regarding the future of Beachcomber Towers and our relationship with our neighbours, the Neighbours’ Union (NU). Allow me to rebut these wicked rumours.

Two years ago, the residents and staff of the Towers, together with the serfs on the estate, took a democratic decision to leave the Neighbours’ Union. Since then, we have been trying to find the best way to accomplish BeachOut, as it has been called, and to prepare our neighbours, as gently as possible, for life without us.

Less than two weeks ago, in a calm and constructive meeting held in the Chess and Chequers Room at the Towers, I met with senior staff members to iron out the details and produce a definitive BeachOut policy.

Some have described the resulting document as a “fudge” which is clearly ridiculous, as one cannot iron out fudge without creating a sticky mess. Others have suggested that a sticky mess is precisely what we now find ourselves in but I would submit that that is far from the case and those who accuse us of it have pursued the fudge analogy to misinterpret recent resignations and demands.

Our old retainer Anthrax was the first to go, saying that he was fed up with popping over to the neighbours every month or so without reaching any agreement whatsoever.

The fed-up-ness, I assure him, is mutual, especially as his trips have been monopolising the Towers’ fleet of tractors which has played havoc with our agricultural timetables.

Then, astonishingly, my trusted offspring Junior Beachcomber resigned his post as Principal Secretary of the Towers for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs saying that he is happily married, has no time for affairs of any type and feels he should move out before he becomes immured in sticky, ironed fudge. Fortunately, his younger brother Minimus has come to the rescue with four helpful amendments to the Chess and Chequers agreement for which I am most grateful.

First, he has drawn attention to a part of the agreement about my teatime meetings with the NU which have done so much to ease tensions. Instead, Minimus proposes building two walls along our boundaries, one to keep the NU out, the other to keep us in. Such walls may, of course, be built with hatches to allow the occasional pot of tea to pass through, so I see this as no change to our policy.

Second, he insists that the BeachOut principles must not be watered down. I have already brought in a hosepipe ban in much of the UK for that very reason.

Third, he objects to our giving any charity donations to the neighbours unless they immediately give it all back to us which differs only minimally from my own proposals for a customs union.

And finally, he proposes that we do not propose any proposition to the NU that they might accept which I fully agree would be a sign of weakness.

I trust this clarifies my position and I hope we shall hear no more about it.