‘Daddy don’t worry, it’s just us two now ... but it’ll be OK’
Brave words of Freddie, 3, after BBC star’s cancer death
IN THE awful days following his beautiful wife’s death, Steve Bland struggled to get on with normal life for the sake of their three-year-old son Freddie.
BBC presenter Rachael Bland had bravely documented her battle with aggressive breast cancer in an award-winning radio podcast series.
But when she died in September the outpouring of love from listeners and widespread media coverage proved overwhelming for her husband.
“It was very hard,” says Steve, in a new interview on that same podcast, You, Me and The Big C.
“Because my Rachael wasn’t the Rachael who did the podcast, wasn’t the Rachael on the TV, wasn’t the Rachael on the radio.
“My Rachael was the one who sat next to me on the sofa watching crappy TV. You know... who shouted to get a glass of wine or whatever.
“It was very difficult – as comforting as it all was – seeing Rachael the TV person, the podcast person.”
He just wanted Rachael, the wife and mother, who had tenderly compiled a legacy of mementos so her son would always remember her.
And one day, soon after her death, Freddie proved that he has inherited every bit of his mother’s compassion.
Tearful
Steve explains: “There have been occasions where I’ve lost my temper with Freddie, and I know I wouldn’t have done in normal circumstances.
“I shouted at him because he was being a right pain... I was trying to get him dressed.
“I started crying because it really upset me that I’d shouted at him. And he just turned to me and he said, ‘Daddy, are you crying because of Mummy?’ and I said ‘Yes’.
“And he said, ‘Daddy, don’t worry, it’s just us two now. It’ll be OK.’”
BBC journalist Steve will move listeners to tears as he speaks for the first time about his wife’s death in the podcast released yesterday.
Steve and Rachael, 40, wed in 2013 and Freddie was born two years later. But in 2016 she was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer and underwent chemotherapy and a mastectomy.
Yet she charted her experiences in frank, funny and heartfelt broadcasts, which won huge acclaim for breaking taboos.
In an equally honest way Steve tells Rachael’s friends and co-presenters, Lauren Mahon and Deborah James about the gruelling days leading up to her death at home in Cheshire on September 5. And he says neither of them had realised how hard the end would be.
Steve says: “The bit that I didn’t really know how it would go was the actual physical process.
“Because we didn’t talk about it, I had absolutely no idea what actually physically was going to happen to Rachael over those four or five days where she was getting more and more sick.
“Luckily I was in touch with Dr Kathryn Mannix who has been on the podcast and written a great book about it. But even with that, just the whole physical process, because we are scared about talking about the whole thing, I didn’t have any idea what was going to happen.
Demanding
“I didn’t feel like anyone really actually explained how hard and how demanding that last four or five days were going to be.
“I might be wrong, but I just feel that if Rachael had known how hard it was going to be, she might have wanted to go into a hospice or something else. I just don’t know that either of us understood just how tough those last days were going to be – how demanding on her it was, only having me looking after her, and how demanding it was on me.”
And, he goes on: “I found it quite hard in the day or two after she died to remember what she sounded like just normally… and even what she looked like just sitting next to me on the sofa.
“It was probably three or four days when it had died down a little bit and the storm had subsided somewhat that those memories started coming back and it was a bit of a crash.”
Asked how he is coping since Rachael died, Steve says: “I’m OK. Good days and bad days, as you can imagine. Plenty of challenges. You don’t really know how you’re going to be when something like this happens.
“I guess, because we had a big lead up to it, two years of her being ill, you do kind of think, what’s it going to be like?
“But then it’s really nothing like that at all, nothing like you
imagined. Trying to be as positive as I can on the good days, then recognise the bad ones and have a little cry then.”
Presents
In her final months brave Rachael had been writing a memoir called For Freddie.
She had also wrapped birthday presents for her son to open every year until he turns 21 and left written notes so he would know her handwriting.
But, most touchingly of all, Rachael left her perfume bottles, so Freddie will remember how his mother smelt when she cuddled him.
She said: “I hope the book and these gifts and notes will leave an imprint of my love behind for the rest of his life. So he can be sure how very much I love him.”
In the podcast interview Steve is asked how Freddie is getting on.
“He’s brilliant,” he replies. “He’s a bit young really to understand even on a very base level what’s happened.
“But he’s just full of energy, full of joy, full of life, keeping us busy – he’s fantastic. You can’t look at him without seeing Rachael either. So it’s a little bit of her all the time, just next to me.”
And, as Freddie grows up, he’ll surely understand that it isn’t really “just him and Dad” from now on.
Because his mother’s extraordinary love will never die.
Subscribe and listen to the full episode of You, Me And The Big C: About The Loss on bbc.co.uk/youmebigc and on BBC Sounds, the BBC’s new audio listening app.