Yes, you CAN break those parenting rules!
You may think arguing in front of your children is a real no-no, but new research disagrees. Here, psychologist EMMA KENNY gives her verdict
PARENTING is full of well-worn sayings and beliefs, from trying to keep a lid on arguments with your other half to never going back on your word. However sticking to these “rules” can sometimes do more harm than good.
Research from Washington State University showed that when adults suppress their emotions in front of children, it can be as stressful for them as witnessing a full-blown row.
Emma Kenny, child psychologist and regular fixture on ITV’s This Morning, says it’s time to ditch the rules and listen to your instincts instead.
“Intuition is often excellent but it’s easy to get confused by conflicting advice about what makes a great parent,” she says.
Here she gives her verdict on the most popular parenting rules.
CHILDREN DON’T ARGUE IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS
Of course, having ferocious rows in front of children can be frightening for them and should be avoided at all costs if possible. However, suppressing your emotions could be just as bad.
Children are incredibly well-tuned to how other people are feeling.
If they sense adults in the room are angry but don’t know why, children can worry the anger is directed towards them.
They may also think they aren’t allowed to talk about difficult issues.
The key is to strike a healthy balance. It’s OK to have conflict, as long as it’s constructive and you can explain to your children why you feel the way you do.
Verdict: BREAK IT
ALWAYS TREAT CHILDREN EQUALLY It’s essential children know they’re loved equally by their parents.
If they feel abandoned or rejected, it can seriously damage how they see themselves.
If you know you don’t treat your children equally, you need to change how you act so they don’t grow up feeling you didn’t love them as much.
It doesn’t matter if you’re spending more time with one than the other, as long as you explain why and make sure they know you love them just as much.
An easy way to show children you love them is to give compliments.
Research by robotics company Anki showed 72 per cent of children feel less anxious when they receive a compliment, especially from either of their parents. Verdict:
KEEP IT
NEVER GO BACK ON YOUR WORD
No adult can honestly say they never go back on their word. Instead, allow yourself to make occasional mistakes and be honest about it with your children. It’s important to show kids that it’s all right to change your mind, as long as you take responsibility for your decisions and apologise if you’ve upset anyone. Verdict:
BREAK IT
PROTECT CHILDREN FROM DIFFICULT EVENTS
As a parent, you’re hard-wired to protect your children. However, it is also very important to be honest with them.
While of course it’s not a good idea to expose children to unnecessary trauma, you have to allow them to see both the good and bad in the world as this equips them with resilience.
Make sure that if children have access to smart technology and the internet, parental controls are in place.
But when major events occur, such as a terrorist attack, encourage your kids to talk to you about it.
Children will hear and see things that aren’t nice, so instead of trying to shield them from everything, allow them to experience the world with you holding their hand.
Verdict: BREAK IT
TEENS
NO TECH AT THE DINNER TABLE
Families who sit down and communicate with each other are happy families.
Eat together as often as you can, without technology or having the television on in the background.
Children and teenagers should
be encouraged to talk about their day and what they plan to do over the weekend. It’s good for everyone to sit and have a laugh.
What’s more, for the parent who’s cooked a really delicious meal, it’s nice for it to be enjoyed and savoured.
Verdict: KEEP IT
BE A PARENT, NOT A FRIEND
Who says you have to choose? You can be both, as long as you realise part of being a friend is giving support without judgment.
This means being able to accept that sometimes the choices other people make will be different to the ones you would make for them.
In an ideal world, you want to be the first person your child thinks of when they’re in trouble.
However, if your idea of friendship is going clubbing and drinking heavily with your child, that’s different and can be destructive.
Verdict: BREAK IT
TEENS NEED INDEPENDENCE
Teenagers need independence now more than ever. In this day and age, a lot of teens spend most of their time on headsets, chatting to friends and playing computer games, rather than going out into the real world to meet them. So it’s really important for teenagers to have some freedom. Children who are allowed to take small risks in life are more likely to do things that are entrepreneurial. Encourage teenagers to do something for themselves, such as making a meal once a week, or even doing some DIY.
Verdict: KEEP IT
GROWN-UP CHILDREN DON’T GIVE UNSOLICITED ADVICE
It’s impossible to have a close relationship with your children without telling them what you really think.
The truth is, we should always feel able to express ourselves honestly with people who we love and who love us.
What is really important is the way that you do it.
If you say to someone: “Do this,” then it closes the conversation. The person on the receiving end will either accept or reject your opinion. Instead say something more open like: “How do you feel about this idea?” This way it should trigger a conversation about your idea so you are able to discuss it. Verdict: BREAK IT
HAVE A LIFE OF YOUR OWN
Your happiness will be inextricably linked to that of your children for the rest of your life. But one day they will hopefully have families of their own. Showing your children that you have a full and busy life full of activities and friendships is important. When things go wrong, showing them you’re resilient and having coping strategies is also good behaviour that your child can model, no matter what age they are.
Verdict: KEEP IT
AVOID BEING THE BANK OF MUM AND DAD
For this generation of children and young adults, it’s going to be hard for parents to avoid lending money.
After all, this generation is unlikely to own their own home and have a secure job for the rest of their lives.
It’s a different world to the one we grew up in. As long as your kids are making a real effort in their life and trying to do things on their own merit, it’s OK to lend money from time to time.
But if your child is not taking responsibility for themselves and just looking for a hand-out, then giving them money constantly will hold them back.
Verdict: BREAK IT