Ill-starred canvas caper
HEAVEN knows how much they’re paying the participants in CELEBRITY 5 GO CAMPING (Channel 5, 8pm). Not an awful lot, I suspect, judging by what looks like a less than wholehearted commitment to the project.
We’ve only reached episode three and already ex-EastEnder Joe Swash has had to leave the show “owing to prior work commitments”, while another of this merry band, comedian Stephen Bailey, bids a temporary farewell of his own tonight, leaving the line-up a tad depleted. “I got offered a job out of the blue that’s a dream come true for me,” Stephen announces, “and I couldn’t turn it down.”
What with those two absent, plus Bobby Davro taking to his bed with an icky tummy, it’s left to plucky Cheryl Baker and Michelle Collins, high on a blustery Dorset clifftop, to assemble their canvas accommodation, or try to. (It’s a stargazing tent, by the way. Yes, that’s right, they’re hoping to catch sight of some stars. Seems ironic…)
“Where’s a nice, practical, hands-on male celebrity when you need one most?” exclaims Cheryl, the lack of any instructions making this assembly job harder still.
Nice? Practical? Hands-on? Male? Celebrity?
That’s quite a lot of boxes to tick. But then along comes former Blue Peter presenter Tim Vincent, no less. Tim ticks the boxes marked “male” and “nice”.
Meanwhile, up in Cambridgeshire, there’s dissatisfaction of an even more disturbing kind, if you can imagine such a thing, in this week’s episode of GRANTCHESTER (ITV, 9pm).
Dog-collared crimebuster Sidney Chambers is in yet another of his dark moods (“Do you ever feel not right in your own skin..?”), and his copper pal Geordie, (Robson Green, right) is unimpressed to find him dealing with it in his usual way.
“This is your life,” Geordie cries. “It’s an endless merry-go-round. Sin, feel bad, drink. Sin, feel bad, drink…”
He’s clearly touched a nerve here because Sidney storms off in a huff. “I’m no use to you, Geordie,” he cries. So, goodness, who on earth can get Sidney smiling again?
Honestly, the poor chap’s face is so numb and expressionless right now, he looks as though he’s already started filming series two of McMafia.
Actually, I’ll tell you who could, and that’s the lovely Violet. Remember her from last week? She’s the daughter of that visiting civil rights chap from America, the sister of the man fatally stabbed outside the church. As luck would have it, Violet is still around. Sidney is thrilled. He even persuades her to join him for a romantic punt down the river. “How’s your father?” he goes, using this expression not in its saucily euphemistic Carry On Matron sense, suggesting he’d welcome a repeat of last week’s intimacy, but literally out of concern for her dad’s wellbeing.
Violet clearly appreciates Sidney’s concern. She’s definitely got more than a soft spot for him. But can he persuade her to stick around? The signs are not encouraging. “This is not my world,” she tells him.