We remain the ‘Three Best Friends’ wherever I am
Before she died of cancer late last year, BBC journalist Rachael Bland wrote an incredibly moving memoir for her beloved son Freddie
AFTER being diagnosed with breast cancer in November 2016, BBC radio presenter Rachael Bland decided to raise awareness of the disease by sharing her journey via a blog and podcast entitled You, Me And The Big C.
Eighteen months later Rachael, 40, and her husband Steve were given the devastating news that her cancer was incurable and in her final days she decided to leave her treasured three-year-old son Freddie a gift he would keep for ever: the story of her life.
Here we present an extract from her book For Freddie – published today – which is both courageous and self-effacing as well as being funny and heartbreaking.
MY BEAUTIFUL son. I so wish that I didn’t have to leave you now. But believe me, I tried EVERYTHING I could to stay around for you for every moment I could eke out of this life. I’m sure people will say I “lost my battle with cancer”. I didn’t lose anything.
From the outset it was not a fair fight with this cancer. It was too big and too aggressive and we didn’t begin on a level playing field.
You were 14 months old and at the very start I was so full of fierce intention that we could get past this. I would lay you in your cot each night and communicate from my mind to yours, “I will do this, Freddie – I will take whatever they have to throw at me and I will take it gladly if it means we can still stay together.”
Then as you grew and began to talk and interact more, that unspoken mantra became a more vocal one and I would hug you and squeeze you every night, promising you out loud for the universe to hear that I would do this for us. And I NEVER stopped trying, not for a moment.
Look around you for the true beauty in the natural world. I’ve already told you about checking up to the stars which Mummy loves and looking for Mummy there. Give back to the people who give to you, look for those who may need your help – give without expecting back.
Life can be short or long – every second is precious so make it count. Be kind. Be good. Be strong. Be true, my Freddie. I know you have the most wonderful life ahead of you. And know through it all that your mummy loves you with every last tiny piece of her heart.
I hope I have left enough of those fragments there for you to feel me with you everywhere you go. You will always be the most special of boys – we remain the Three Best Friends wherever I am in the ether. All my love to you always.
I wanted to include just some of the snippets from my blog so you can read about Mummy’s treatment throughout the different stages, to understand a little bit of what happened and how I was feeling at the time.
One day in the autumn of 2016, I found a lump. Now, most lumps are harmless – they might be cysts or hormonal lumps or sometimes a hair follicle that’s got trapped after shaving under the arms – but if you find one, you know you should get it checked out. In my case, I found the lump on a Saturday and saw my GP on the Monday. It’s a pretty surreal experience to be told you have cancer. After three hours of tests, the young doctor tasked with delivering the news had her very best “sorry you have cancer” face on. She kept pausing, waiting for me to cry at opportune moments. I just sat there thinking, “I wish they’d wrap this up so I can get home, put the baby to bed and watch I’m A Celebrity.”
I didn’t feel I could ask the questions that were burning in my mind, for fear of being thought frivolous. For example, we’d just booked a holiday to Dubai for my birthday in January, and I wondered if we would still be able to go. I did ask the number-one question that was concerning me, though, and I didn’t care if it displayed a sense of vanity. Would I lose my hair? Yes, unfortunately was the reply, but it would grow back. That’s a difficult thing to digest when you’ve spent the past few years growing it way past your shoulders. Throughout my adult life I’ve worn my hair long. I’d always joked that I was a bit like Samson… my strength came from my lion’s mane of hair. Well, I was about to find out whether there was any truth in that or if I’d discover that it wasn’t the source of my strength …
So, my Freddie, here comes the science bit. The part where I talk about my cancer journey – from being told for the first time what kind of cancer I had, to the different treatments and the surgery. Some moments were really scary and sad, but you know I like to see the funny side where I can, and there are funny bits too – believe it or not!
Cancer is a very complicated disease and, as it turns out, it pays to be fully aware of exactly what it is doing to your body. Each case is individual and in medicine there is no black and white. No one can give you any guarantees. But one thing I know for definite is that I am not a statistic.
Doctors aren’t perfect, but they are incredible. They don’t stop until they’ve done everything they can to make you better all round, even if that means you have to wear a freezing cold swimming cap (more on that later) so your hair doesn’t fall out or you start to feel like the MRI scanner is your new best friend.
The thing is, the cancer I had was a tricky kind, and that’s just the luck of the cancer lottery, Fred. You never know what your numbers are going to be.
Writing about it in my blog really helped me to accept what was going on and make sense of it all. Knowledge is power. Putting something scary into written words – and talking about it – really does take some of the fear out of it, and not just for the person who’s going through it, but also for the people they love and who love them.
You are young, and I know you will want your mummy for a long time to come. The thought that you have to grow up without me there to cuddle you when you’re sick, after a bad dream or whenever you want your mummy is too much to bear. It’s just not fair.
And Freddie, you are so cool and so much fun, I am so annoyed I have to miss out on all the fun times ahead with you! It was you and Daddy who kept me strong throughout all of this, and I will be with you always to give you the strength that you need through any tough times.
● To order For Freddie: A Mother’s Final Gift To Her Son by Rachael Bland, published by Michael O’Mara Books at £16.99, call The Express Bookshop on 01872 562310 with your card details. Alternatively send a cheque made payable to Express Bookshop along with your details to Express Bookshop, PO Box 200, Falmouth TR11 4WJ. Or buy online at expressbookshop.co.uk
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