High-flying Harry tells it like it is

J “HELLO, Father O’ Learjet. It’s me again.”

“Harry, dear boy! I’ve missed you in the confessional these last couple of weeks. Everything all right?”

“Yes, sorry Father, I’ve been a bit busy. Just back from Amsterdam, launching a brilliant new project to encourage sustainable tourism.”

“Very laudable, Harry.And so easy to reach Amsterdam by train from St Pancras. Good trip?”

“Well actually, the project people paid for me to fly. Commercial of course. They also paid to offset my CO2 emissions, so that’s OK, isn’t it?”

“Absolutely! Er... did you get any awkward questions about that private jet thingy?”

“Oh yes... bloody Press. But I soon put them right. Told them that I spend 99 per cent of my time travelling by commercial. But occasionally there needs to be an opportunity based on a unique circumstance to ensure my family are safe.”

“Quite right too.Was flying commercial to Nice dangerous?”

“Well, not as such. But Meghan feels very threatened by people and their airport selfies. Elton understands our privacy is so precious. That’s why he sent the jet!”

“I see... so all’s well, then?” “Well, no. That’s why I’m here. Bloody William had to take a budget flight to see granny in Scotland, didn’t he? Just to show me up, as per usual. He got loads of Press praise and piccies of him and Kate trudging across the Tarmac. Plus their three kids. But does anyone ever complain about Mr Perfect Prince? I rang papa to complain but he didn’t want to know. Typical – my father’s heir can do no wrong.”

“So no family support?” “Auntie Anne said I had to choose between being a ‘proper’ royal, or a sleazy celeb. Meghan was furious.”

“I’m so sorry, my son.” “Uncle Andy was nice. He understands what it’s like to be in the doghouse. I managed to give him a bit of advice in return.” “What was that?”

“I told him he should have paid to offset his CO2 when he took all those flights in Jeffrey Epstein’s jet. If he’d done that he wouldn’t be in any trouble at all.” “Wise words, Harry. May the Holy Planet protect you. See you next week?”

“Cool.”