BEACHCOMBER
103 YEARS OLD AND STILL READY TO PREDICT THE FUTURE...
THE new year is with us so here is my perfect 2020 vision:
January: Brexit plans undergo a massive change when French president Emmanuel Macron proposes that the EU leave Britain instead of Britain leaving the EU. France unites behind the slogan “Get Euxit Done”.
February: The row between Britain and France worsens when Boris Johnson points out that “E. Macron” is an anagram of “Cameron”, while Macron insists it is an anagram of “Romance”. Meanwhile Boris claims credit for increasing the length of the year by 0.27 per cent by adding an extra day at the end of February.
March: Labour elects a new leader but they will not reveal who they have chosen, saying this is necessary to avoid derogatory and biased media criticism.
April: Ben Stokes becomes the first person to win the London Marathon, swim to France and back and climb Mount Everest, all on the same day.
May: Jo Swinson and Jeremy Corbyn are selected to represent the UK in the Eurovision Song Contest but the SwinCo duo come last with a dirge called Broken Dreams.
June: A government report on the sinking of the Titanic in 1912 is published putting all the blame on the iceberg. July: The English Football Association refuses to accept rulings of the European video assistant referee at Euro 2020 wanting full authority for a British VAR. August: Labour admit they have chosen Ben Stokes as their leader – only they haven’t told him yet. September: Donald Trump marks the anniversary of the Mayflower sailing by banning further immigration to the US from Britain.
October: The Scottish Parliament demands that Hadrian’s Wall is rebuilt. They approach Donald Trump for advice on wall building. Trump says he’s too busy with plans to build a mid-Atlantic wall.
November: The US presidential election ends in a dead heat between Donald Trump and Donald Duck, who had been chosen as the Democrat candidate. Trump blames Russian interference and calls his opponent a “Fake Donald”; the duck expresses his regret at failing to secure outright victory with a cry of, “Aw phooey”.
December: Trump leads American celebrations of Beethoven’s 250th birthday, tweeting: “Great film, great dog”.