If you don’t feel good, talk. After that you can start to see the light
MERSON’S HARD LESSONS AFTER LONG BATTLE
IT IS 25 years since Paul Merson broke down in tears as he spoke publicly for the first time about his addiction to drink, drugs and gambling.
That startling admission, with Arsenal manager George Graham sat beside him, came in the same season Bruce Grobbelaar was accused of match-fixing and Eric Cantona produced his infamous kung-fu kick at Selhurst Park.
It seems a completely different era now. Yet, a quarter of a century later, the Gunners legend is still bravely fighting the same demons.
In an emotional press conference at London’s Park Court Hotel in January 1995, Merson talked about his alcohol problems and how he needed to change his lifestyle.
“I can never take another drink,” he said.
But the fresh revelation that he wanted to commit suicide 12 months ago, before his latest attempt to give up drinking, showed how close he came to his last orders.
Merson’s story has been a parable of our Premier League times, where money and fame do not necessarily buy happiness.
“On Monday, I’ll have been sober for a year,” said the 51-year-old. “This time last year, I wanted to kill myself.
“I couldn’t go on any more. I couldn’t see a way out. I had the tablets in my hand. I didn’t
take enough to do anything but I had them there.With vodka. It was scary. It was only because of the kids, really, and my wife, and a little bit of consciousness, that I didn’t.
“Fear, probably, as well. I was scared to do it. When you’re in that place, you don’t see how it’s ever going to pass.
“But I have the tools now. I don’t want to kill myself any more. I don’t have those thoughts. I’m not carrying the world on my shoulders, walking around with guilt. I’m not beating myself up, drinking and gambling all the time and asking why I’m doing this to myself. It’s only now I know. I have a mental illness. I’ve accepted that. Before, I used to beat myself up all the time.” Merson spoke before this weekend’s FA Cup third-round ties when, as part of the ‘Heads Up’ campaign, all games will be delayed by 60 seconds to encourage fans to ‘Take A Minute’ and think about mental health.
Suicide is the biggest killer of men under the age of 45. And Merson, who works for Sky Sports, is ideal to promote a better understanding of the issues.
He is a fallen idol, loved by millions because so many can identify with his struggles. Merson lost £7million to gambling in the Nineties. He was in tears again last March in the ITV documentary Harry’s Heroes:
The Full English, when he said his dependencies left him feeling “like a crack addict”.
The former England forward insists his issues are mixed up with alcohol, and that he is enjoying being teetotal.
“This is the best thing I’ve ever done,” he told the Daily Star.
“I was in bed on New Year’s Eve by 9.30. I went to an AA meeting, came home, watched The Sting and went to bed.
“Nothing ever gets better if you don’t talk. Once you talk to people you start seeing the light.
“I ring people up and tell them if I don’t feel good. Before, I sat indoors, pulled the curtains and I would watch the phone ring.
“I would literally watch people ringing me trying to help me, but I wouldn’t take the calls.
“It’s the worst place to be, having that fear that it’s never going to get better. You have to talk.”