A case of bride and seek

IF I were drawing up the guest list for a wedding, or indeed any kind of swanky do, I’m not sure I’d invite DCI John Barnaby. Nothing personal, I just can’t help feeling I’d be sowing the seeds of doom. Remarkably, I’ve yet to see an episode of the series in which Barnaby appears – namely, MIDSOMER MURDERS (ITV,

8.30pm) – that hasn’t featured someone being, well, murdered. His presence is not a good omen.

Not only that, but the character who gets murdered is nearly always naggingly familiar, which somehow makes it all the more distressing.

So what do we have in tonight’s episode?We have Barnaby and wife Sarah invited to, yes, a wedding.And we have the bride being played by Kelly Brook.

So can you guess what happens? Well, of course.

Poor Kelly. Five measly minutes she lasts (although that’s two minutes longer than the victim usually lasts in Death In Paradise, where the deed is traditionally done before the opening credits).

It’s a horrified Sarah who actually discovers the body. Kelly is sprawled face down on the bed in her wedding dress, still clutching half a glass of Champagne (yes, it’s clearly a glass-half-empty situation).

Post-ceremony, she’s popped up to her bedroom to get changed, but hasn’t meant to get changed in quite such a grisly sense, God rest her soul.

Oh, and the killer has tied a ribbon around her tongue.

Elsewhere, on a cheerier note, choirmaster Gareth Malone is off to prison. But don’t panic, he hasn’t done anything wrong, other than orchestrate the murder of several half-decent songs in recent years.

THE CHOIR: AYLESBURY PRISON (BBC2, 9pm) is the first in a new two-part series in which Gareth is challenged to form a choir made up of young offenders.

Aylesbury’s governor, Laura Sapwell (who’s previously sung in one herself), believes such an initiative will give these “challenging and complex men” something positive to focus on, reducing the risk of them going out and committing further crimes.

“I really am very nervous about this,” Gareth admits, aware he’ll be coming face to face with some of Britain’s most violent young men.

“Everything I know about prisons is from TV dramas, which is all terrifying.”

So will he be pleasantly surprised, and find the inmates bursting with enthusiasm? Nope.

Also tonight, at 8pm on Channel 4 – the channel which on Christmas night, after we’d just consumed enough calories to see us through most of the winter, gave us two hours-plus of non-stop food shows – we have a new series of HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT WELL.