‘My husband and I fed the children and waited for what they left. Some days we went hungry’
they had nowhere to sleep,” says Sandra, who had to put borrowed mattresses down on the floor.
Her next problem was that the couple had a daughter still living at home, so how to feed her expanded family of seven on £200 a week.
“Me and my husband fed the children and waited for what they left. If they didn’t leave anything, we did without. There were days when we went hungry except for maybe a slice of toast.”
Worse was to come. The children started revealing details of the abuse they had suffered – including being starved. “They told us they hunted for food, rummaged through bins and slept in parks,” says Sandra. “They exhibited volatile behaviour and then some revealed that they had also been sexually abused. I just fell to the floor, I couldn’t believe it.”
The children received counselling through CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) but there was no such support for Sandra and Jim. “I was covered in a rash, my hair was falling out,” says Sandra. “It was the first time I saw my husband break down in tears during our 40-year marriage because it was so stressful.”
Her daughter was often in tears too. “All of sudden four kids invaded her space. The love and attention she had from Mum and Dad had to be divided by five.”
University of East Anglia academic Paul McGrath, who is writing a PhD thesis on kinship carers, says Sandra and Jim’s experience is far from unusual.
“Some carers had to sell their houses, they lost businesses,” he says.
“They went from being comfortable, to living in substantial poverty where they couldn’t feed their own children who then become disadvantaged. Grandparents are more vulnerable as a parenting group than most because of their own health, their socio-economic status and the so often challenging and complicated behaviour of such children. In my study, the local authorities were closing cases quite quickly, meaning grandparents were having to manage without any support, counselling or even other family.”
Because of the children’s unpredictable and volatile behaviour, Sandra and Jim stopped socialising with their friends.
“They were often out of control,” says Sandra. “So we didn’t go anywhere prisoners.”
She even, she admits, thought about throwing in the towel. “For foster parents it’s a job but this isn’t a job for us, we take these kids through love and nothing else,” she says. “To us it’s permanent.”
MP Catherine McKinnell, chair of the cross-party Parliamentary Task Force on Kinship Care, says: “We are developing an action plan to put to government. Some things require a change in the law and we would love to see a Kinship Care Bill brought to Parliament.”
Another carer, Helen, has spent £34,000 to date on legal fees since she started looking after her goddaughter, Kelly, who was being physically abused by her mother.
Kelly was a toddler when Helen, a nursery nurse, informed the authorities and was told she could care for her. Helen was in her early twenties and in a relationship. Her partner could not cope and left.
Then she faced court battles with Kelly’s mother over her access and rights to her. “I didn’t feel confident and became virtually representing myself so bills kept mounting,” she says.
“Kelly had suffered from neglect and didn’t have a strong attachment to anybody. She could only speak five words and couldn’t sit still as she was constantly on high alert.”
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ELEN has suffered mental health problems since rescuing Kelly. “I was told by the court if I hadn’t intervened then Kelly would have been found dead so I would rather have PTSD than have that happen.”
Now married to a woman who cherishes Kelly, Helen wants people to know kinship caring can be rewarding. Seeing the transformation of her goddaughter, now thriving at catering college, is proof.
“She’s this young lady, not that two-year-old lost and broken. She’s ready for the next stage of her life.”
For Graham, as the children grow up he hopes life gets easier for everyone. He set up a support group for other kinship carers and won a “Grandfather of the Year” award. But, he says, the secret suffering of kinship carers must end: “We shouldn’t still be shouting about this, not in 2020.”