BEACHCOMBER

103 YEARS OLD AND STILL STATISTICALLY CORRECT…

THANKS to the many surveys I have seen this year, I am delighted to present a new love story from our Mills & Beach imprint of statistically verified romances. It is called Percentagely Doomed.

First, the survey results: 15% of people think cream the best colour for living rooms and hallways; 15% of farmers have no indoor mobile signal; 15% of working men have taken time out from their career owing to mental health pressures; 15% of IT professionals have more data sources than they can count; 15% of office workers do not like spending money on charity.

Meanwhile, 85% of the world’s garlic is produced in China; 85% of British adults are concerned about climate change; 85% of women are wearing the wrong bra size; 85% of engineering companies say their productivity is impacted by unreliable internet and 85% of young farmers believe there is a link between mental health and farm safety. Now on with the story: Responding to a knock on his farmhouse door, Farmer Phiphteen opened it to be met by a beautiful young farmgirl. “Hello,” she said, “I’m collecting for Extinction Rebellion.” “Oh dear,” he said. “I don’t really believe in global warming. Anyway, I never respond to requests for charity.” But she had been distracted by his cream-coloured hallway. “That’s awful” she said. “I hope your living room is different.”

“It’s the same,” he said. “I painted them myself when mental health issues forced me to take time off.” “Now I’m uncomfortable,” she said. “Quite apart from your colour sense, there’s a link between mental health and overall farm safety. Shall I check your locks?” “I thought you were uncomfortable because your bra didn’t fit,” he replied.

“You’re the rudest person I’ve ever met,” she said, “or my name’s not Amanda Tiffany Fyve. I’ll leave you my number in case you change your mind about giving a donation.” “I have no signal here,” he said.

“That’s ridiculous!” she said. “Having no signal can ruin your productivity.”

“No it doesn’t,” Farmer Phiphteen said. “I have more data sources than I can count. Why don’t you come in and eat something? There’s no garlic in it.” “But I love garlic,” she said. “I order mine from China. I’m going.” Phiphteen and AT Fyve clearly have nothing in common – and he had to agree.