A Lord and MasterChef

BRIEFING the contestants before tonight’s opening challenge on MASTERCHEF (BBC1, 9pm), judge Gregg Wallace sounds like a teacher on a school trip, addressing a bunch of lairy kids before they pile on to the coach.

“Please understand the occasion,” he tells them.

“Do NOT let us down.”

To be fair to him, he does have a point.About the occasion being big, that is. Not so much because it’s the semi-final, although it’s that as well, but because these nine remaining cooks are being asked to prepare a three-course meal in honour of one of Gregg’s heroes. No, not Telly Savalas, star of 70s TV cop show Kojak.What on earth made you suggest that?

I’m talking about a hero of the proper, serious kind. Namely, Lord Nelson.

The dinner they must cook is for Trafalgar Day, the Royal Navy’s annual celebration of Nelson’s final and most famous battle.The place where they’re being asked to do it – for 120 people – is Portsmouth, on board HMS Diamond, one of the world’s most sophisticated warships.And in case that isn’t daunting enough, the chef in charge tells them: “Anything less than perfect isn’t good enough.”

As for the menu, I’m assuming what we have here is identical to the food served to Nelson’s own crew before battle.

“A little sorbet of lemon and lime,” will be the palate-cleanser, reveals co-judge John Torrode, “with little bits of crystallised fruit across the top.”

Over on ITV, meanwhile, we finally reach the end of LIAR

(9pm). And the many twists and turns of episode five (I think I counted 26 twists and 19 turns, although I may have missed a couple when I nipped out to put the kettle on) have set us up for what promises to be a dramatic ending.

Joanne Froggatt’s Laura, who stands accused of rapist Andrew Earlham’s murder, has made the best possible use of being out on bail, by pinching the mobile phone of bent copper DS Maxwell and confirming the role he’s played in her misfortune. But will this actually do her any good?

Her troubled sister Katy, meanwhile, seems to have come good at just the right time, sobering up sufficiently to pursue that creepy Oliver chappy, the one Earlham was blackmailing.

And what about Laura’s apparent nemesis, Katherine Kelly’s DI Karen Renton, the hyper-sarky copper who’s never once entertained the possibility that one of Earlham’s countless other victims may have killed him?

Are we finally about to see a different side to her…?

See, I told you Liar was good, didn’t I?

Apart from those weeks when I told you it was silly and bonkers.