BEACHCOMBER

103 YEARS OLD AND STILL FLOODING WITH IDEAS

TODAY’S lesson comes from Genesis, verse 4, chapter 8 of the King James Bible: “And the ark rested in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, upon the mountains of Ararat.” Now read on.

And Noah did look out of a window of the ark and said unto his family and the beasts of the field and the birds of the air: “It still looks wet out there. We mustn’t relax the provisions of Arkdown yet. We can’t risk another spike in rainfall.”

“Oh for goodness sake,” said his wife, “you said when you imposed Arkdown it would last 40 days and 40 nights but it’s been 150 days that the waters have prevailed already.” “When I said 40 days and 40 nights,” said Noah. “I was referring to the time it would continue raining. Of course it’s taken longer to dry out. This has been the most challenging period in our history and we’ve been guided throughout by science and the advice of WAGE, the Weather And Geography Experts.”

“Geography?” said Noah’s wife in a disbelieving yelp. “What good have the geographers been? Where are we anyway? By my calculations, we’re halfway up a mountain in Turkey. You tell us you’re just and perfect and walk with God, but how are you going to make a living in Turkey? This ark isn’t fit for purpose, thanks to your inviting a breeding pair of termites on board. They’ve been nibbling away at the wood and we’re leaking. You can’t move for termites. Have you any idea of their reproduction rate?” “I’m 600 years old,” said Noah. “We’ll live on my pension.”

“I want a divorce,” said his wife. “Your so-called sea-map has been rubbish. You’ve made no plans to restart our economy or the children’s education. If you’d known where we were going, we could all have spent the Arkdown period learning Turkish. And while tidying your study, I’ve seen your memoirs. You don’t even tell your readers my name.”

“But everyone knows your name,” Noah replied. “Thanks to me, you’re the most famous woman since Eve. You’re Joan. Joan of Ark.”

And Joan stamped on a termite in her rage as they ventured forth from the Ark.

And Noah became a husbandman, and he planted a vineyard and he drank of the wine. And he did thereafter blame his wife for his alcoholism.