Pets & slugs & rock’n’roll

IF this were any normal year, my calendar this weekend would show a single word scrawled in caps – screaming: “GLASTONBURY!” Feverish with anticipation, I’d be cramming some gear in a backpack and dashing out the door.

And then, just a few yards down the street, I’d be stopping and going: “Hang on.What on earth am I doing?Why in God’s name would I want to go to the Glastonbury Festival?

“The camping.The queues.The communal loos.The mud.The rain. Blooming Corbyn again...?

“And scariest of all, all those people.Thousands and thousands of people...”

To be honest, it hasn’t needed Covid to put me off mass gatherings.They’ve always freaked me out.

Which is why I’ve always been so grateful to the BBC for its almost ludicrously comprehensive Glastonbury coverage.We can stay home, dip in and out, watching the good stuff and just skipping the dross.

We get an infinitely better view.We get access to our own exclusive toilet.And we sleep in a real bed.

So THE GLASTONBURY EXPERIENCE LIVE (BBC2,

8.30pm), hosted by Mark Radcliffe and Jo Whiley, will suit the likes of me just fine (don’t let’s pretend I’m a lone voice here), with its mix of live acoustic sets and archive highlights (Oasis, PJ Harvey, the Stones, Stormzy, Florence and that machine of hers).

Likewise, all the other Glastonbury best bits being shown again tonight and across the weekend, there and on BBC4.

For those of us who only ever watch this thing on telly, it’ll be pretty much business as usual, just a bit more greatest hitsy.

Also, not being there in person means I won’t have to miss what will surely be the greatest television programme ever made.

Disappointingly, there were no preview copies made available of the show I’m talking about – CELEBRITY SNOOP DOGS

(C4, 8.30pm) – but the details we’ve been given leave me in little doubt as to its excellence.

Narrated by Kevin McCloud (don’t worry, that’s not the bit I’m getting excited about), it consists of footage filmed by dogs with mini-cameras fixed to their harnesses, letting us nose around their famous owners’ homes, albeit at quite a low level.

So, yes, a canine Through The Keyhole.What’s not to love?Taking us on tours in episode one are a lhasa apso and a Labrador.

Elsewhere, Jamie Oliver has escaped from that Covid dungeon of his and made a new series of JAMIE’S QUICK & EASY FOOD

(C4, 8pm). I must say his lamb curry recipe looks lovely.

Please note, when he tells you to add “a nice slug”, he’s referring to a dash of vinegar.