Accidents must be booked in advance

IT SEEMS that in future we are expected to book into A& E before we show up. One of our myriad new rules. As one who used to make quite a good living out of words, I thought I knew the meaning of a few.

Apparently not. I thought accidents and emergencies were unforeseeable, but I was clearly wrong.

So imagine the scene:

“Good morning, this is Charlie Farnsbarns. I would like to book myself in for Thursday week if you would be so kind as to have the theatre ready and staffed. I fully expect to come headlong down the stairs after breakfast and break several bones. Thank you so much.”

It’s a new world.

HERE’S a conundrum. How can man put together a rocket to take him safely to the moon yet in the local supermarket two out of three trolleys have a faulty front wheel? For heaven’s sale, it’s only nly two working parts – one wheel to spin on n its axle and the whole thing to turn in a socket. But there was a long row of them outside my local awaiting a mechanic to put them right.

OVER THE Christmas break all 365 Tory MPs will presumably spend time in their constituencies. What a superb opportunity for 365 local associations to tell their MPs that those who put them on the green benches have finally had enough.

If the backbenchers do not rise in revolt and tell the Government to stop obeying the orders of the useless SAGE committee and its rigged statistics, if they just go on and on capitulating to a group who have been wrong since March, they could, come the next election, whistle Dixie for their own re- election. That might give them pause for thought.

GILBERT and Sullivan sang that a policeman’s lot was not a happy one but they never realised how prophetic they were. When a copper pulls on the uniform he swears an oath to the Queen – to keep her peace and protect her subjects.

Now they are being told to spy on us in our homes and arrest any they see cuddling grandchildren if they happen to live outside our “bubble” or there are more than four of them – making six with grandpa and grandma.

Isn’t it time their professional body, the Police Federation, put its foot down and pointed out that being converted into a modern Stasi dictatorship was not part of their oath?