The best of a bad bunch

DID you catch last Wednesday’s CELEBRITY BEST HOME COOK? I’m guessing not, as it clashed with Giant Lobster Hunters on ITV4. In which case, you missed some huge drama.

At the end, three cooks faced the chop – namely, Ed Byrne, Ed Balls and Ed Johnson (or “Rachel” as I notice she’s calling herself here).

To determine who’d go, each had to make cannoli.That’s a Sicilian dessert “lightly deep fried with a beautiful ricotta filling” (in the words of judge Angela Hartnett), or “the sort of concoction I only have to look at to feel horrendously queasy”, in the words of a TV critic who can’t understand why he never gets invited onto shows like this.

But you’ll never guess what happened in the end… the judges couldn’t decide whose was worst. Yes, really! Crazy times, eh?

“The person going home,” Angela eventually announced, after deliberating so long with her fellow judges that the one who isn’t Mary Berry had grown whiskers and taken on the look of the late Sir Rhodes Boyson, “is… none of you are!”

Everyone was thrilled. Claudia Winkleman squealed.

“Erm, excuse me,Angela,” I’d have had to chip in at this point. “I think you’ll find it’s ‘none of you is’, not ‘none of you are’.”

Anyway, the point is there are seven celebs still left.

But surely not for long, once they’ve been tested tonight

on their roasts and their rustle-up, the latter having to feature bananas but not allowed to be blinking banana bread. Elsewhere tonight, talking of celebrities, would you like to meet the 10 who are taking part in the new series of CELEBS ONTHE FARM

No, of course you wouldn’t.And yet here we go.

Needing no introduction, but getting one anyway, is Kerry Katona, who is described as “pop star and supermum”.

Joining her is ShaunWilliamson, who was killed off as EastEnders’ Barry 17 years ago, but is apparently still “everyone’s favourite soap star”.

Also mucking in is LooseWomen and Birds Of A Feather legend

Linda Robson, described here as “Loose Women and Birds Of A Feather legend Linda Robson”.

Need I go on? Oh, all right. I shan’t list them all or it’ll trigger one of my anxiety attacks but among the others are “fabulous UK drag star” Cheryl Hole, “Love Island beauty and Insta influencer” Montana Brown and “Geordie Shore OG Holly Hagan, who’s swapped “getting mortal” for the farmer’s life…”, whatever that means in English.

“Give the challenges your all,” urges presenter Stephen Bailey, “and settle into that hashtag farm life…”

Yes, quite.