BEACHCOMBER 104 YEARS OLD AND STILL FAR FROM ABYSMAL…
I WAS listening to a news programme on the wireless and heard a businessman explaining the difficulties he faced in trying to cope with the unpredictability of lockdowns and open-up-agains. “We are staring into the abyss,” he said.
Shortly after, another man told of how he found himself “staring into an abyss” and a quick search through a database of British newspapers confirmed my worst fears. In 2020, “staring into the abyss” occurred 177 times in the papers with another 23 cases of “staring into an abyss”. That equals 200 incidences of abyss-staring in 2020, which is the highest total since records began. In 2019, for example, the total was only 119.
I called the Department for Chasms, Ravines, Abysses, Bottomless Pits and Voids and after a brief pause found myself speaking to the Abyss Minister Lady Abby Small. I came straight to the point: “Your Ladyship, are you aware,” I asked, “that 2020 saw a 68 per cent increase in abyssstaring in this country?”
“Yes,” she said, “but I must point out that technically speaking the abyss was the primal chaos out of which the Earth was created, which was before the creation of mankind, so one cannot really stare into the abyss at all. That is why we have brought together chasms, ravines, abysses, bottomless pits and voids in the Department of CRAB-V.” “All the same,” I said, “would you not agree that 177 people staring into the abyss, or whatever you call it, is worrying.” “Indeed it is,” she said. “This country is desperately short of abysses and those that we have are much smaller than, for example, America’s Grand Canyon. This brings into question whether you can have 177 people staring into the same abyss without breaching social distancing rules.”
“Yet 23 others were staring into an abyss, which implies they had two or more abysses to choose from,” I said. “Does this not help the social distancing problem?”
“In 2018,” she said, “there were no fewer than 30 people staring into an abyss rather than the abyss. We encouraged growth in multiple abyss companies, but the singleabyssnesses are clearly growing faster.”
“So what is the Government doing about it?” I asked.
“We have passed the tipping point and are now staring out of the abyss,” she said, and we left it at that.