How to process our ‘lost year’

No birthdays or weddings, holidays or festivals… after a year of pressing pause on the moments that make life enjoyable, Hattie Parish discovers strategies to help you deal with feelings of loss

As life moves back towards normality, there’s no denying that the past year has inflicted changes far beyond wearing masks. With ambitions taking a backseat and plans abolished, even those who haven’t lost loved ones have suffered some kind of loss.

While there’s no real way to be at peace with putting our lives on hold, we can begin to process what’s happened to us with a view to moving towards a brighter future, says psychotherapist Lou Lebentz.

“The pandemic is external to us. All we can control is what’s happening within us – how we look at the loss and grief, what we do with it, how we acknowledge it and move through it.”

To do this, we need to recognise how the body responds to a trauma.

“We go into either hyper or hypoarousal,” says Lebentz. “Hyperarousal is when we get busy and distract ourselves with lots of activities. Hypoarousal is the opposite, where we go into numb, lie-on-the-sofa mode. Ideally, we need to return to a healthy middle ground – what therapists call the ‘window of tolerance’.”

Let go of denial

“With trauma, we dissociate,” explains Lebentz. “We want to get away from what we’re thinking and feeling. But you can’t get back to the window of tolerance if you’re dissociated.” Quite simply, we need to open up to our feelings.

There are ways to make this less painful. “We need to feel safe enough to feel those emotions. Acknowledge that these feelings are normal, allow them to be there and open up to others. Engage with other people – this helps you process and grieve the losses.”

This might be through a social group, a friend or counsellor.

Nourish your body

“The more that people use something outside of themselves, like a tablet, a drink or a sugary snack to control their feelings, the more they’re disconnecting,” says Lebentz. “Connect back to your body. Yoga, dancing, singing, walking, being out in nature, swimming – all of these will help. They’re also ways of treating yourself kindly.”

Play both sides

Bilateral stimulation, where stimuli occur in a rhythmic left-right pattern, can help reconnect the two sides of the brain, which will help us find that window of tolerance. “Running is a form of bilateral stimulation, and so is drumming,’ says Lebentz. She recommends a Prince Harry-style butterfly hug. “Cross your arms across your chest with one hand on each shoulder, then take it in turns to tap gently. Or try tapping the sides of your knees.”

If that’s not working, try resource installation. “Think about a safe place where you’re peaceful – it could be a beach, a mountain, or a favourite room in the house. Take yourself there in your imagination, and while you’re feeling centred, butterfly hug. The brain can’t tell the difference between a real or a vividly imagined experience, so you’re installing that feeling back to your body.”

Look back to move forward

Finally, we can start looking to a better vision of the future. This step will look different for each individual. “Take your time,” says Lebentz. “Think about whether there’s any lesson, opportunity or way of reframing you can take from the situation. It’s a difficult balance and you might not be ready yet. “Remember that most traumatic situations do lead to some sort of post-traumatic growth. We’ve had to find new strategies to deal with life and we may have learned lessons along the way.”

■ This article is taken from Healthy Magazine, on sale now in Holland & Barrett stores (hollandandbarrett.com)