More shtick than carrot

VIOLENCE, bloodshed, heart-stopping action.A gun fight, a car chase, a pair of villains slugging it out on a clifftop. Sorry, I’m afraid there’s none of that in this week’s BAKE OFF: THE PROFESSIONALS (C4, 8pm). I was just trying to grab your attention.

What it does offer, however, is a bit of time travel, if that’s of any interest to you. I’ll explain a little more in a moment.

First, judge Cherish Finden wants the contestants to make coneshaped desserts.Twenty four per team.And these, she insists, must be identical.Then, for his part, fellow judge Benoit Blin wants them to make puddings in the shape of a carrot. Only in the shape of one, mind.

“I want to think I’m about to eat a real carrot,” he tells them, “but when I tuck into it... there is no carrot in it!”

Right. So we’re, what, barely three minutes into the show, and already I’m reminded why I’d never survive in this competition.

I simply don’t have the right temperament.

“Identical?!” I’d be yelling. “How in the name of heaven can puddings be identical?

“And as for you matey, with your carrot-that’s-not-a-carrot nonsense – honestly, what is wrong with you people?”

Another reason I wouldn’t last long is I can’t bake for toffee. I guess that might hamper my chances as well.

Anyway, yes, the time-travel bit. This comes in the shape of tonight’s showpiece challenge.

Here the judges want each team to make a religieuse a l’ancienne – which obviously is weird enough in itself, being a model of a nun made from chocolate eclairs – and then introduce some sort of time-travel element within this.

Now, call me thick but this appears to make no sense whatsoever. Again, I’d feel obliged to butt in, to ask politely for some clarification. “Sorry, let me get this straight: you want a time-travelling chocolate nun cake? Am I missing the point here or are you essentially just mad?”

Elsewhere, in HOARDER HOMES: NO ROOMTO MOVE (Channel 5, 9pm) we meet 70-year-old Richard from Surrey, an avid collector of newspapers. If you’re someone who watches Hoarder Homes regularly – and I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t be, unless there was something else on another channel – then you’ll no doubt remember Richard from the previous series.

He owns every copy of every national newspaper since 1976. That amounts to about 50,000.

“It’s getting to the point where it’s a bit unmanageable,” he now concedes.

So he’s finally prepared to get rid of them. But only to a sympathetic home.

I’ve just had a word with Mrs Ward and apparently it’s a no.