I’m screaming... and I’m not one of life’s screamers!
HONESTLY, why am I putting myself through this yet again?
Time after time – tournament after tournament – England’s footballers find themselves facing Germany in a grimly make-orbreak fixture, and it’s never less than agony to watch.
Ninety nerve-wracking minutes at least. Usually 120. Usually penalties. Please don’t let it go to penalties again.
Twenty-four hours ago it was Andy Murray putting us through hell – as if to give our nerves a dress rehearsal. Now to Wembley, and any hope of keeping my composure is instantly shattered.
The continuity announcer cues up BBC One’s coverage by telling us games don’t get any bigger. I’m not sure how he knows, given that he sounds about 12, but he does have a point.
Edgy
Then up pops Gary Lineker, saying much the same but on a higher wage. “1970, 1990, 1996, 2010,” he reminds us. “We all know the story by now...”
With kick-off imminent, it’s over to Guy Mowbray in the commentary box. Wembley is at half capacity, but Guy doesn’t see it that way. “It feels full, it looks full, it sounds full!” he insists.
Guy is a stadium-fully-full kind of chap.
The game gets off to an edgy start. England struggle. I clutch the remote, tempted to mute the sound to ease the tension. If need be, The Chase is on the other side.
Also, I’m worried about our captain, Harry Kane. So is summariser Jermaine Jenas. “He’s just non-existent,” Jermaine complains. Jermaine wants Harry to start “running in the channel”. It sounds like something David Walliams would do for Sport Relief. The rest of us would rather Harry scored a goal.
Fifteen minutes into the second half and it’s still stalemate. Jermaine thinks “we need an extra body in there” but, with the rules insisting on 11 a side, I can’t see us getting away with that.
By the 75th minute, Guy feels the game has “lost its spark”. Jermaine agrees. Someone’s going to have to reignite it.
So here’s a thought. How about Raheem Sterling scoring us a goal? That would do nicely. That would do very nicely indeed. Sterling scores and I scream. I scream the sort of scream I only scream when my team scores a goal. I’m not one of life’s screamers.
In the 81st minute I scream again, only this time in horror, as a howler puts Germany’s Thomas Muller through for a nailed-on equaliser. I scream yet again as he manages to miss. Actually, I don’t. What I actually do is laugh. Sorry – heat of the moment.
But this is still too tight for comfort. Oh, for another England goal to ease our jitters.
Oh, for Harry Kane to rediscover his magic.
Oh, for Harry to score at the perfect moment, to pull off the win we’ve dreamed of for so blinking long.
Oh, blimey he just has. Harry Kane has scored. It’s England 2, Germany 0. There’s only four minutes left.
I think this could actually happen...