Mr Trainee Clown gives us last laugh

HERE we go again. Another evening of unbearable tension. Worse, we’re on ITV. England always mess up on ITV.

That penalty nightmare against Argentina in 1998? Live on ITV.

Goalkeeper Robert Green’s howler against the USA in 2010? Live on ITV.

Losing to Croatia in the last World Cup semi? You get my drift.

Replay ITV’s coverage of the 1966 World Cup final and what’s the betting the Germans win 5-0?

Nor does it help that it’s “only” Denmark tonight. So everyone assumes we’ll win. Never do that. Always assume we’ll lose. That’s not disloyalty, it’s anguish management. Worst case

‘Nine minutes later they score again. In a nicer way, into their own net’

scenario? You get to say: “I told you so.”

Thirty minutes into this latest torture, Denmark score, Damsgaard’s free kick flying in from outside the box.

“A dash of Danish dynamite!” cries commentator Sam Whatisface, almost as if he wants us to appreciate the stupid thing.

Nine minutes later, they score again. But in a nicer way, into their own net.

The second half (God, there’s more) starts with one of our Harrys getting booked. Ludicrous decision. The ref, a trainee clown, later denies our other Harry a penalty. But Denmark are playing well. I wish they wouldn’t.

Full time, still 1-1. Thirty more minutes more of hell. Remind me, is this meant to be fun?

Possibly. The 13th minute of extra time and Mr Trainee Clown awards us a penalty. Kane takes it. Schmeichel saves it. See, typical. But, oh, OK – the ball’s come back to Kane. And this time he finishes the job. Blimey, we’re actually winning 2-1. Dare to dream.

And then, oh my goodness, actually do dream! Because the final whistle blows and we’ve done it. WE’VE DONE IT! England are in the final!

I am officially crying.

Sunday night versus Italy at Wembley. “It would be great if you could watch it with us,” says Sam Whatisface.

Fat chance, mate.