How the M25 chaos probably started...
THE INFANTILE Insulate Britain has become the latest crowd of juvenile protesters to alienate people who might otherwise have agreed with them, by causing havoc on the M25. Here’s how the latest childish prank began (possibly):
Jeremy and Cressida were bored. There were only so many Caribbean holidays they could manage on the back of Daddy’s trust fund, the skiing season was still months away, their wardrobes couldn’t take any more artfully chosen combat trousers (a snip at £675 a pop) and they were wary of demonstrating outside the Chinese embassy, because the few times they read the newspaper, the Chinese appeared not to like demonstrators very much. Ditto the Russians.
Cressida had tried meditation, but the only special word she could think of to clear her mind was “country estate”, while Jeremy had put his back out with an advanced yoga move that involved standing on one foot and chanting “Oom”.The resulting fall had landed him in A&E, which the ambulance had managed to get to quite quickly as there were no blockages on the road. It had given him an idea. “Cressida?” “Yah?”
“You know that Daddy just bought a business that provides loft insulation and thinks he’s going to make a bomb because Carrie has made
Bozza go green and wants us all to insulate?”
“So sexist to talk about Carrie like that.”
“No, really, when I was at Westminster with Bozza’s son he told me his dad couldn’t stand polar bears. It’s so Carrie. Anyway, perhaps we could help Daddy flog his insulation.”
“But I thought we were so, like, anti-capitalism?”
“Yes, but Mummy told me that without capitalism we wouldn’t have a trust fund.”
“No! I thought it came from a magic money tree!”
“Apparently, it’s all about shares and things. Anyway, if we forced the Government to make everyone buy Daddy’s insulation, Daddy could buy that place in the Bahamas he’s already talking about.”
“Lush. But how do we do it?” “Let’s stop the traffic on the M25!” “But the M25 doesn’t have anything to do with insulation.”
“I know! But think of the publicity!”
“But what if commuters hate us for what we’re doing?”
“Who cares what the little people think? The plebs will do as they’re told.”
“That didn’t work with Brexit.And what if they ask us if Daddy’s place is insulated? The draughts are so cold I sometimes don’t even believe in global warning.”
“Cress! How could you!” “Yah, OK, of course I do, only kidding. So you think if we upset everyone who drives a car in the entire country, Daddy will get even richer?”
“Yah, of course. I’ve ordered a jumbo pack of superglue off eBay. What could possibly go wrong?”