BEACHCOMBER 105 YEARS OLD AND STILL SLINGING IDEAS AROUND...

DAVID v Goliath: a reappraisal. The plot so far: the year is around 1,000BC and the Philistines have launched a “special military operation” against Israel in the Valley of Elah including deployment of the giant Goliath whom the Israelites consider an illegal weapon of mass destruction.

Goliath, whose height is assessed to be six cubits and a span, suggests as this is not a war, it should be settled by a winnertakes-all contest between himself and an Israelite champion, with the losers ceding their land to the winner. Fearful of Goliath’s reputation and massive strength, no such Israelite champion emerges and the referee is about to award the contest to the

Philistines by default when a youth named David says he will take up the challenge.

On spotting David, who has even cast off his armour, Goliath grows suspicious and examines him carefully. “Hang on!” he says. “What’s that around his waist?”

Goliath wore a brass helmet, a coat of mail weighing five thousand shekels of brass and was armed with a spear whose head weighed six hundred shekels of iron. That’s a lot of shekels, each of which is 10 grams. All David had around his waist was a sling. “I thought the air around here was a no-sling zone,” Goliath protested. “We giants are vulnerable to attacks from the air and airborne missiles, as we extend far higher into the air than ordinary mortals,” but his objections were overruled and Goliath’s focus shifted to David. “Search his pockets!” ordered Goliath. David emptied his pockets, revealing five pebbles. He told Goliath they were works of art and told him not to be such a Philistine. “See, I told you!” Goliath said. “That’s a cluster sling he’s armed with, it can launch pebbles in all directions. They could fly unpredictably into civilian areas, causing injuries, which would be a war crime. Sorry, I mean special military operation crime. Multiple pebble launchers are against the Geneva Convention.”

David shrugged and dropped four of the pebbles on the ground, counting from one to four as he did so and announcing: “I only need one.” He placed the remaining pebble in his sling, whirled it around and slung it at his opponent. The pebble hit Goliath’s forehead, killing him instantly.

Goliath’s last words were: “I should have argued harder for a no-sling zone.”