BEACHCOMBER

105 YEARS OLD AND STILL REMEMBERS HIS SCHOOLDAYS...

EVENTS had been quiet for a couple of years at St Tory’s Academy for the Financially Gifted and St Opposite’s School for the Leftward Leaning. These bitter rivals seemed to have settled down since St Tory’s head girl Theresa had given up the post after losing her way on a trip to Europe and Jeremy, head boy at St Opposites, had performed dreadfully at the Quinquennial Games and had also given up and was expelled from the school.

The new head boys were Boris at St Tory’s and Keir at St Opposite’s and nothing much seemed to be happening until the affair known as Tuckshopgate exploded. It all centred on the question of whether Boris had broken the school rules by scrounging some champagne and smoked salmon sandwiches from the tuck shop between lessons when students were banned from the shop.

Boris totally denied any involvement, saying that he never went to the Tuck Shop, nobody saw him there and, anyway, he prefers caviar to smoked salmon. Also, what he didn’t do wasn’t against the rules anyway, as he already knew everything so didn’t need the lessons in between which he is alleged to have scoffed the food and drink. And he was doing research for an essay on What I Ate During My Summer Holidays, so going to the tuck shop was a work event anyway.

The school governors had met to discuss the matter and ordered Boris to apologise and stand in the corner, which he said he was delighted to do out of respect for the rules, but he wouldn’t resign as head boy.

Then, in a remarkable turn of events, the St Opposite’s head boy was also accused of illicitly visiting the tuck shop and having some crisps and orange juice. “That,” said Keir, “was my dinner and I shall resign as head boy if the head teacher says it was anything else.”

Boris then questioned whether Keir was fit to be head boy if he thought anyone could live on orange juice and crisps, and Keir said that his own actions showed an awareness of moral nourishment.

Meanwhile, St Tory’s performed rather badly in the half-term games and St Opposite’s did no better than usual. Both head boys said that the half-term games don’t matter anyway, leaving Boris waiting for St Tory’s governors to decide whether he should stand in the corner again.