BEACHCOMBER 105 YEARS OLD AND STILL TATTOOING BOOKKEEPERS…

THE United Nations has missed a great opportunity that will not repeat itself for 180 years. As you may know, but probably did not notice, the UN declared 2022 to be the International Year of Glass and in case there was anyone opaque enough not to be interested in glass, they also made it the International Year of Artisanal Fisheries. So why did they ignore bookkeepers? Could it be that they feared the wrath of cobblers, or are we to blame tattooists? We shall come to them in a moment.

Most dictionaries agree bookkeepers and bookkeeping are the only English words whose spellings include three consecutive pairs of double letters. This year is the first year to include three consecutive pairs of double letters when expressed in Roman numerals: MMXXII. This has not happened since AD222 (CCXXII) and will not happen again until MMCCII, or 2202 as many call it, which makes the current year perfect for celebrating bookkeepers and bookkeeping.

This may cause an affront to tattooists who call their clients “tattooees”, but even though the Oxford English Dictionary includes “tattooer” for someone administering tattoos, “tattooee” is absent. Similarly, the word bassoonness, for the quality possessed by a bassoon, is not in the OED and neither are balloonness, buffoonness and raccoonness. Bookkeepers could play their trump card by calling their assistants subbookkeepers, who have four consecutive double letters, though this would probably be disallowed as it is generally spelt with a hyphen after sub. Owners of a cross between a sheepdog and a poodle may call it a “sheeppoodle” and lovers of pasta verde may anglicise the name to “greennoodles”, but linguistic authorities insist these are separate words.

That leaves the cobblers, or at least the cobblers who possess a tool for dealing with boots which they call a boottool. And if they have no such tool? Well then they are boottoolless, which for double letters would equal the subbookkeepers if only the OED accepted those words.

My last hope is that the UN is saving celebrations for bookkeepers and possibly tattooees until November 11. What could be more appropriate than cheering the three consecutive doubles in MMXXII on 11.11.22 and then again ten days later on 22.11.22?