BEACHCOMBER 105 YEARS OLD AND STILL COGITATING GORMFULLY…
FIGURES released yesterday reveal that, according to experts, reliable sources of intelligence are harder to find than ever before. Global Gormlessness is now at its highest level since records began.
The threat to our planet from human gormlessness is greater than at any time in history and the report from the Intelligence Protocol for Cogitate Change (IPCC) has issued a warning to take immediate steps to reverse the decline in global intelligence.
I phoned Sir Weevil Alldye of the Doommongers Alliance to talk about the latest figures. “There’s no doubt about it,” he said. “Quite apart from the IPCC report, we’ve had new information from the DBS which makes it clear that human stupidity is at an all-time high.”
“Sorry,” I said, “I don’t understand what the Disclosure and Barring Service has to do with it. Surely they help employers make better recruitment decisions and thus cut global stupidity by reducing bad selections.”
“Not that DBS,” he said. “I was referring to the Dumb Blonde Survey.”
I was astonished. “Surely we ought not to be trying to resurrect an old prejudice and put the blame on blondes for a decrease in world intelligence.” “It’s beginning to look as though it wasn’t just an old prejudice,” he said. “In the past few years, we’ve had a British blonde leader breaking his own laws by throwing parties, an American blonde leader claiming an election was stolen from him, and a formerly blonde, now grey Russian leader launching a misjudged invasion of a neighbouring country. “There’s a growing theory that the quality of cogitation has gone down because of the increased use of hydrogen peroxide as a bleaching agent, which has led to an rise in H2O2 in the atmosphere, increasing blondeness worldwide.
“But none of that’s in the IPCC report,” I said, and he whispered: “There’s been a cover-up. Originally, the last two letters in IPCC stood not for Cogitate Change but Clavate Conspiracy.”
“Clavate?” I queried. He advised me to look it up. Clavate means “thicker towards the top and elongated towards the base.” One could hardly think of a better description of the administrations that proved to be so dumbly ruinous to the above blonde leaders.