BEACHCOMBER 105 YEARS OLD AND STILL SPOTTING SPOTS...

Today we are delighted to publish a transcript of the recent interview given by the new Minister for Canine Affairs, Dame Cruella de Vil, to the BBC’s Dog Matters Correspondent, Laura Dogsberg:

LAURA: Thank you, Dame Cruella, for agreeing to talk to us at the end of a fortnight in which dog-pound rates have shot up, dog-lead sales have slumped, dog-food has shot up in price, and ...

CRUELLA: I don’t accept your implication that I am responsible for that. Dog food rates are set by dog food manufacturers.

LAURA: ...and your policies have affected the price of Dalmatians disproportionately.

CRUELLA: We are doing all we can to increase the production of Dalmatian-fur coats to keep people warm this winter.

LAURA: I see you have a Dalmatian coat. Is it just a coincidence that your company makes such coats and you have scrapped the higher rate of dog licences for Dalmatian owners?

CRUELLA: That was the Chancellor’s decision. Our concern is value for money for dog owners and helping them get through...

LAURA: I was asking about dog licences. CRUELLA: I was answering your question.

We are committed to our Dalmatian policy for this winter as the spots on their coats go very well with raindrops. LAURA: Yet figures show that your policy of kidnapping Dalmatians to make coats out of their skins has led to a shortage of these dogs, driving up their price and inflating your profits. CRUELLA: Inflation leads to inflated dogs, which eat more, which increases dog food sales and produces more spots. LAURA: But what about the effect on dog lead sales? Many Dalmatian owners have gone out to buy a lead and come home to find their dog has been kidnapped.

CRUELLA: This is part of our levelling-up policy between dog and cat owners. Ever since Schrödinger produced his theoretical cat that was dead and alive, the world has needed a dog that was both kidnapped and not kidnapped. We have achieved this.

LAURA: Are you seriously suggesting that our canine economic problems can be solved by a quantum-theoretic Dalmatian?

CRUELLA: I get up every morning as Minister for Doggie-Dos and worry about the volatility in Dalmatian spot rates.

LAURA: Thank you for barking at us.