‘Zoomancing’, ‘ghosting’ and ‘cookie jarring’ …navigating the baffling world of modern dating
Ahead of Valentine’s Day, relationship guru HAYLEY QUINN shares her tips on meeting new people without tying yourself in knots. After all, the rules of social engagement may have changed but the fundamentals of falling in love are timeless
IN THE old days, dating used to be so simple.Your eyes locked over a crowded room. One of you made the first move. Drinks, dinner, hopefully a bit of romance. But that’s all changed now. Thanks to the internet, mobile phones and social media, the world of dating has been revolutionised. And not everyone finds it easy to navigate.
Just the terminology is confusing enough. First there’s “Zoomancing” – dating via Zoom, an online hangover from the pandemic. Then there’s “ghosting” – ending a relationship suddenly and without warning by withdrawing from all digital contact. And what about “cookie jarring” – dating several people at once before ultimately deciding who you pick?
But don’t worry. It’s not as scary as it sounds and – if you find yourself longing to turn off your phone or laptop – you can still meet someone in real life, without going digital.
THE BASICS
LET’S start with the simple things. Dating (just like any other goal in your life) requires a degree of time and energy. You can “manifest” all you like (another modern term, meaning you desire something so much you hope it’ll come true) but, unless you get off the sofa and move in new social circles, you’re unlikely to meet anyone new.
I’m talking about that dreaded phrase: “You’ve got to put yourself out there.” It was true back when you were young and it’s still true now. No matter how many digital dates you go on, eventually you’ll have to meet that significant other in person.
So why not start by getting out there in person? In my debut novel, The Last First Date, my heroine Helen is stuck in singledom ordering Deliveroo for one and pining for her ex. Like any singleton, she needs to get back out there.
But first of all, you’ll need to claw back some time for yourself. Dating isn’t always a top priority but, if this is going to be your year to meet someone, you may have to place other commitments on the back burner. Even a simple switch like joining a book club, a running club or a gardening collective, or doing a group workout in the gym instead of exercising alone, will put you in front of more potential partners.
FRIENDS
DO YOU always tend to meet the same friends in the same places? Are you well past going to drinks parties and more fond of a one-on-one catch-up over a coffee? Perhaps it’s time to change a few social habits. Here’s one great idea: every time you head out to meet an old friend, make sure you arrive 20 minutes early. Creating unoccupied time puts you in a better position to meet someone new.
For this to be effective, when you’re by yourself you must be present and alert. So avoid the temptation to fiddle around on your mobile phone.
Of course, this assumes you’re regularly catching up with friends, but for many people, this won’t be the case. Lots of us find that, as life goes on, friendships fade under the weight of other life commitments.
If you’ve found yourself in a place where you don’t have friends who live locally, then this could be the first building block you need before starting dating. Look on the bright side – the pressure is off. For now, instead of going out with the intention of meeting someone, you can go out with the intention of simply being sociable.
‘You don’t need the world’s cleverest lines to meet people. You need that tiny word: Hi’
EVERYDAY OPPORTUNITIES
USE day-to-day opportunities to practise this new version of yourself. A little tip: remember that every time you buy something (in person) you also buy 30 seconds of conversation skills practice.
So when you next get your daily coffee, or fill up at the petrol station, try chatting to the cashier. “Already on my second coffee of the day,” you might say. Or: “I can’t believe the price of petrol.” On paper, it may not seem like scintillating chat, but these benign offers of conversation show the world you’re here and ready to engage.
In the face of “chatty you”, you may find some people shrug and smile, but others will leap at the chance to have a human interaction.
FORMING CONNECTIONS
THIS is another foundational block of meeting people in person again. You have to be on the lookout for people who are interested in forming connections too.
Dating, and in fact all social relationships, are always a two-way street. This means building successful relationships isn’t about you emotionally exhausting yourself by trying to impress, flirt or seduce someone. It’s about meeting someone who
wants the same things as you do, and coming together.
Even back in the days of Mr Darcy, women would drop a handkerchief, or use their fans, to signal the message: “Come get me, tiger!” So you don’t need to burden yourself by feeling it’s your responsibility to always be charming and confident. In fact, the most compatible people for you will be out there looking to meet you too. You just need to become a bit better at recognising opportunities and then be prepared to say hello.
That’s right, you don’t need the world’s cleverest chat-up lines to meet people. You just need a good dose of authenticity, a pinch of bravery and that tiny little word: “Hi.” You might want to practise the delivery of this in the shower.
Saying “hi” is beautiful. It stops you falling into that trap of spending so long ruminating on the perfect way to start the conversation, that you lose the moment and don’t start it at all. On that note, stop worrying about not being impressive enough – the other person isn’t there to judge you on your razor-sharp wit.
What they are looking for is someone they can begin to trust, who seems sincere. A clumsy “hello”, or a simple comment about how the buses are never on time is often enough. Again, be sure to say whatever is true for you within that particular moment. Delivered with a light tone to your voice, and a smile on your face, your natural personality is your best advocate.
Being self accepting and knowing who you are has always been universally attractive. It doesn’t matter if you share something that, on the face of it, seems uncool. So if you tell your new date how you felt nervous before the evening had started, or how you couldn’t decide what to wear, this vulnerability will often come across as attractive.
You also don’t need to attract everyone out there. Repeat after me: “Dating isn’t a job interview.” It’s simply a chance for you to truly communicate who you are, to attract the people that are the best matches for you.
YOUR BEST MATCHES
“I ONLY attract the weird ones,” you may scoff to yourself. You may feel (and be entitled to feel) cautious about dating as your history suggests you’re a magnet for the wrong-uns. If this has been your dating story so far, it’s important you know it’s never too late to draw a line under this. It’s nearly impossible to tell from those first few dates who is a good person, and who’s a not so good person, for you to be with. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t date at all, but if you wear your heart on your sleeve, it can be a signal to yourself to slow down. Take your time forming connections and only progress at a pace that feels safe to you.
If you’re single today, no doubt you’ve arrived at this point in your existence with a whole lot of life experience about what you do and don’t want. That knowledge is powerful.
Your goal for the next phase in your love life is to combine all that wisdom with the optimism, and excitement, for love that you first felt when, all those years ago, you walked into the student union, or went backpacking, or had that first kiss with someone you really fancied.
Dating may have changed but the fundamentals of being open to love have not.
●The Last First Date by Hayley Quinn (HQ Digital, HarperCollins, £8.99) is out now. Visit expressbookshop.com or call 020 3176 3832. Free UK P&P on orders over £20