BEACHCOMBER 106 YEARS OLD AND STILL INFLATING…

THE Government has announced the results of its review into the country’s economic problems and come up with a plan which, it says, will reverse the damage caused by inflation, strikes, hikes in energy prices, Covid, war and Putin.

I spoke to Sir Akshun Drastic, head of the Drastic Action Neutralising Group for Economic Recalculation, about the thinking behind the simple solution proposed. “Looking at everything that is going wrong,” Sir Akshun said, “we at DANGER decided that we must tackle the problems at their root cause, which comes down to reaching the right conclusions when we put two and two together.” “So are you saying that people have been putting two and two together and not getting four, which is why the Prime Minister has advocated more maths teaching in schools?” I asked.

“No,” he said. “It’s not the answer that’s wrong, it’s the question.

“According to the Oxford English Dictionary, we have been using the expression ‘put two and two together’ to mean ‘make a reasonable inference’ since 1849, but the value we place on ‘two’ has fallen considerably. The four that two and two made in the mid-19th century was far more valuable than the four of 2023.

“That is why, with immediate effect, putting two and two together will be replaced by putting together three and three.”

“Six,” I said triumphantly.

“But isn’t that an inflationary increase of 50 per cent? Won’t that make matters worse?” “You’re missing the beauty of the plan,” he said. “In 2022, there were 438 instances of putting two and two together recorded in our national press and, as we know, many of them led to disastrous conclusions. If so many people can’t even put two and two together, then they won’t even risk trying three and three. Fewer conclusions will therefore be drawn and fewer mistakes made.”

“I still think it’s six,” I said.

“Or 6.4, to be precise,” he corrected me. “Six is two more than four, and if we add VAT to the extra two, we get a total of 6.4. That’s called levelling up.”

I began to understand why the Prime Minister thinks we all need more maths classes. So I made my excuses and left.