Daily Express

Bond here for the beer as posh bar is set low


ACCORDING to a new report by DrAlex Baratta of the University of Manchester, 007 is no longer posh. He analysed details in 007 films relating to class and stated: “James Bond is not one of the elite, he is not overly posh, although he is not working class.” Here’s the new Bond: The scent and smoke and sweat of a kebab shop are nauseating at three in the morning. Bond took one last bite of his shish kebab, shuddered, wiped his hands on his shell suit and headed out towards the Dog & Duck, with its new 24-hour opening hours.

How he longed for the old days, when he rendezvous­ed with M at The Ritz. “A pint of lager,” he said glumly to the barman. “Shaken, not stirred.”.

“James, you fool, it’s me,” hissed the barman. “M? Wonderful disguise. I would never have guessed,” said 007, looking at the vision in torn jeans and a denim jacket standing before him. There was a faint stain on his T-shirt, where an angry punter had thrown a pint over him previously.

“It’s not a disguise, with what they’re paying us these days, I need a second job,” said the most senior figure in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland’s elite Secret Service. “Now look James, we’ve got a problem.”

“Really, Sir?” asked James, brightenin­g considerab­ly. “What is it? Are you sending me to Moscow? Beijing? The Caribbean? It’s been a while since I discovered a beautiful woman in a bikini snorkellin­g there.”

“No, 007. Blackpool. We need an emergency delivery of party balloons and poppers, paper tiaras, streamers, confetti and whistles.

“It’s a national emergency. A lot of children are going to be very disappoint­ed, Commander, if you don’t get those delivered pronto. Here’s your electric scooter: it’s got five speeds.”

“Collecting party materials, sir? Aren’t we meant to be guarding national security?”

M gave him a long, hard stare. “There’s a certain family,” he said quietly, “that have made a small fortune out of partyrelat­ed parapherna­lia and are now very close to the throne. We share the same first letter of my surname, if you catch my gist, James, and we do not want them upset. Capiche?” “Ah,” said 007. “You mean...?”

“Yes, Commander.After all, even the monarchy is middleclas­s now...

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 ?? Pictures: AFP, GETTY ??
Pictures: AFP, GETTY

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