Nellie’s smelly Delhi belly
INCONTINENT elephants. Possibly not an image you wanted me to conjure up for you, at least not first thing on a Monday, and for that I can only apologise. But I felt I should begin today’s column with those specific words, and for three important reasons:
(1) They’re directly relevant to a new documentary series starting tonight, entitled GRAND INDIAN HOTEL (Channel 4, 8pm), which goes behind the scenes of one of the world’s most exclusive hotel groups. (2) I thought “incontinent elephants” might grab your attention.And did it work? There you go, see. (3) Incontinent Elephants would be a great name for a band.
For today, let’s just focus on the first of those reasons, shall we?
Also, can we please stop saying “incontinent”? (Although, OK, I guess it’s mostly me who’s doing that.)
As we see from the opening moments of this series, the Oberoi Hotel Group, based in New Delhi, is big on perfection. It likes to offer the ultimate in luxury, to go the extra mile, to give its guests an unforgettable experience.
Obviously lots of hotels like to say that stuff, but these Oberoi guys seem to really mean it.
So when The Oberoi Rajvilas, the first place featured in this opening episode, is chosen to host a grand banquet for the Maharaja of Jaipur, the people in charge are determined to get everything spot-on.
The elephants, on the other hand, have other ideas.
A pair of them, adorned in ceremonial garb, have been enlisted to greet the Maharaja on arrival. Not by saying: “Good evening, sir.We hope you have a wonderful evening” – but simply by standing at the hotel gates.
“Elephants add to the regal charm,” explains the lady overseeing things.
“Wanna bet, love?”, the elephants reply – again, not in actual words, but by proceeding to perform what is very much a natural deed. Or two, to be precise. With the Maharaja’s convoy due in a matter of minutes, mild panic ensues.
“Call housekeeping!” orders General Manager Vishal. “This will stink now. Quickly!” And then? Well, let’s just say it gets worse before it gets better.
For an elephant – as is about to become quite eye-poppingly evident – when nature calls, it calls on an epic scale. “Can we have some incense sticks?” inquires Vishal. By “some”, I assume he means several thousand.
Elsewhere tonight we have the return of FIND IT, FIX IT, FLOG IT (Yesterday, 8pm), the show that aims to breathe new life into people’s junk.
And co-host Simon O’Brien has found a Seventies TV set that he plans to put to better use than ever.
“This television,” he announces, “is going to become a fish tank.”