BEACHCOMBER

107 YEARS OLD AND STILL AS UNDEAD AS EVER...

PHRASES such as “Zombie Apocalypse” and “The Living Dead” may soon be banned as discriminatory and liable to incite violent decapitation according to a Bill being debated in both Houses of Parliament.

The so-called Zombies’ Charter came closer to becoming law following an emotional speech by Count Dracula of Transylvania during an all-night session of the House of Lords. The count had obtained special permission to address the house at night owing to his photosensitivity, making sunlight potentially fatal to him.

Count Dracula is the only member of either House who has openly acknowledged his undeadness, adding: “It is common knowledge that several of my colleagues in the Lords died long ago but are afraid to admit it through real fear of hostility.”

The count has become a major spokesman for the VUDU association – Vampires, Unliving, Dormant and Undead – whose members, he says, have been misrepresented and treated unfairly due to grotesque film portrayals, beginning with Nosferatu in 1922 and White

Zombie in 1932. “The vast majority of both vampires and zombies pose no threat, and have contracted the condition through no fault of their own but by being bitten by others. This may render them unliving, but after a dormancy period, they become undead. The latency period between unliving and undead gives us all a chance to learn how to advise them and put together a treatment. I spend a great deal of time exploring coping strategies with sufferers – sinking their fangs into a beetroot can be just as satisfying and nutritious as bloodsucking.” He also said they prefer to refer to themselves now as “resuscitants”. They should also, he said, be free to choose their pronouns, as the all too common “it” and “its” can be demeaning – although some VUDU members have adopted the neuter pronoun with pride, saying it frees them of people’s gender obsession.

The high point of Dracula’s speech came when he praised the majority of zombies for the dedicated way they lurch to work every day and carry out menial duties demanding no brain work. This remark was greeted by unanimous moans, grunts and foot stamping from the Lords, before they staggered off to the bar where Count Dracula ordered Bloody Marys for them all.