Buzz kill for the old Bill

MY ORIGINAL plan today was to talk a bit more about NIGHT COPPERS (C4, 9pm), the series which accompanies Brighton police as they patrol the city centre after dark.

While I’m generally no great fan of shows such as this – watching cops having to deal with endless drunks, druggies, aggressive oafs etc – this particular programme has been growing on me.

That’s partly because it’s set in the place where I’ve chosen to live for most of my adult life (Brighton, I mean, not the actual city centre; I’m not insane) and so it’s fun to see how many popular local landmarks I can spot (“Ooh, look, darling, that gentleman is relieving himself outside TK Maxx...”). But it’s also because the officers featured on the programme seem rather likeable.We get to know them as people, not just police.

But two quite significant thoughts then occurred to me.

The first was that, from a police PR point of view, they’re bound to have chosen the most engaging personalities to put in front of the camera, are they not?

In order to best represent Brighton and Hove Police, to show viewers how they go about their business in these sensitive times, they’re hardly going to choose, say, DCI Gene Hunt from Life On Mars (“Button it, you softy southern snowflake... you’re nicked.”) are they?

The second is that some of these officers seem to be admitting what I’ve long suspected – namely, that a late-night city-centre callout is the kind that gives them the highest level of job satisfaction. “It’s just the action, you’ve got to love the action,” one officer tells us tonight. “You’ve got to love the thrill of it.The unknown. I like to get stuck in.”

So yes, I’m not going to talk about Night Coppers after all – sorry, but I’m not going to give it so much as a passing mention – because all that’ll happen is I’ll get horribly sarcastic again.

I’ll say things like: “Oh, I’m so glad our council tax is paying for you to get such a buzz, matey.

“Any progress on the spate of burglaries in our boring old street on the outskirts?

“No? Fair enough…”

Earlier tonight, week two of ALDI’S NEXT BIG THING (C4, 8pm) is all about bakery products.

The six contenders, each hoping theirs will be the one chosen to grace Aldi’s shelves, will have their efforts judged as usual by Anita Rani and Chris Bavin, the show’s presenters, along with Aldi’s all-important buying chief, Julie Ashfield.

Every offering, I’m sure, will taste delicious. But it sounds as though today’s demanding consumer needs it to do more.

“We eat with our eyes,” Julie insists.

Blimey, I’ve only just mastered chopsticks.