BEACHCOMBER

107 YEARS OLD AND STILL KISSING CONTENTEDLY…

KISSING, as I recently pointed out, can be a hazardous procedure, but an emergency report from our analysts at BeachStats has confirmed that the dangers may extend even further than nose-bumping.

As you will recall, I mentioned earlier research indicating that 65 per cent of people tend to incline their heads to the right when engaging in a romantic kiss on the lips, with the remaining 35 per cent leaning leftwards. Our statisticians calculated what happens when a sample of 100 people, comprising 65 Right-Inclining Kissers (RIKs) and 35 Left-Inclining Kissers (LIKs), kiss everyone in a similar group.

This will result in 65x65 compatible kisses between RIKs and 35x35 compatible kisses between LIKs, giving a total of 5,450 kisses which pose no danger to noses. The problems come when the 65 RIKs in the first group try to kiss the 35 LIKs in the second group or conversely. This gives a total of 4,550 (2x65x35) potential cases of nosethreatening fumbling.

Comparing that figure with the 5,450 safe kisses, we conclude that just under 46 per cent of kisses pose a threat to nasal safety. That supports my recommendation that kissing should carry a government health warning but the calculations from BeachStats indicate that the problems may go far beyond noses. As they point out, surveys carried out in recent months show 46 per cent of adults are suffering a confidence crisis, 46 per cent of Scots believe the Scottish Government is incompetent, and 46 per cent of bicycle thefts take place in the morning or afternoon. The clear dissatisfaction these figures show strongly suggests a link with unsatisfactory kissing. Bumping noses clearly causes 46 per cent to lose confidence in themselves and the Government, making them rush off and steal a bicycle in order to find someone else to kiss as soon as possible.

Meanwhile, the remaining 54 per cent who have enjoyed their kisses without danger are clearly more tolerant and trusting. This is confirmed by other surveys reporting that 54 per cent of taxi passengers prefer a chatty driver to silence, 54 per cent of people think exploring the outdoors gives their mental health a boost and 54 per cent of people believe the BBC is impartial.

Perhaps the simplest solution would just involve hand signals to indicate preferred head-inclining direction.