BEACHCOMBER

107 YEARS OLD AND STILL PUNCTILIOUSLY PUNCTUATED...

THE SECOND Thursday in every month is Apostrophe Thursday, when the Apostropher Royal supervises the delivery of apostrophes to greengrocers in market towns. This tradition goes back to 1586 when Queen Elizabeth I gave greengrocers the right to use apostrophes “whensoever and wheresoever they pleased”.

This decree was a reward by a grateful monarch when a greengrocer saved the Queen from humiliation by pointing out a potentially catastrophic apostrophic error in an imminently forthcoming proclamation.

Today’s the far less common Apostrophe Count Saturday, held on the second Saturday after the first Thursday in May in even-numbered years to check the Law of Apostrophic Conservation is operating properly. The common formulation of this law, that “Apostrophes can be neither created nor destroyed” is an over-simplification of the idea first promulgated around 1690 by Sir Isaac Newton in his Principia Grammatica. As a result of his observations, Newton concluded that “Every it’s that should be an its is balanced by an equal and opposite its that should be an it’s.”

That was contested by rival Robert Hooke who showed apostrophic conservation was not confined to it’s and its but a general property of all misplaced apostrophes. Hooke’s proposed correction was “Every apostrophe omitted from a word that should have one is balanced by an equal and opposite incorrect insertion where one should not be”. This soured the relationship between Hooke and Newton, and Newton even petitioned William III to have Hooke arrested. Newton suggested that Hooke’s version brought the concept of

Royal Apostrophes into disrepute, as green -grocers would put them where they should not be, when they’d have to be balanced by more apostrophes being wrongly omitted. As Hooke noticed, however, the monarch’s approval overruled mere grammar. It was not until 1793 when the Apostrophic Conservation Act was passed that Hooke’s reputation was posthumously rehabilitated.

We do not understand how omitted apostrophes reappear inserted in other words, or whether reappearance occurs instantaneously, but progress is being made at the Small Colon Collider at Cerne Abbas that may improve understanding. We shall return to this matter at a later date.