BEACHCOMBER

107 YEARS OLD AND STILL PESTERED BY PUNCTUATION...

I WAS roused from my slumbers the other day by a phone call from the Apostropher Royal, Sir D’Anville O’M’Darlin’.

“Beachcomber!” he shrieked. “What am I to do with that woman?”

Friends rarely ask me what to do with women, but I suspected the identity of the person at whom his ire was directed. I asked him to outline the cause of his vexation, which confirmed my suspicions.

“It’s Ampersandra Notwith-Standing,” he said. “Her latest proposal is a blatant attempt to muscle in on my territory.”

Lady Ampersandra is the Ombudswoman for Conjunctions and the head of OffOf, the Office for Prepositions. She has been an irritation to Sir D’Anville for decades, following a spat regarding which of them had responsibility for question marks. I asked what the problem was.

“She is proposing that people misusing apostrophes should be sent to Chad or Yemen. This, she says, would discourage them from apostrophic abuse, while educating them in correct apostrophic usage.”

“I can see her point,” I said: “the capital cities of Chad and Yemen are N’Djamena and Sana’a respectively, both of which have apostrophes. She must think this will give the apostrophe abusers much-needed practice.”

“But most people don’t know these capitals,” he said. “Why not choose the only country with an apostrophe in its name instead?” “That wouldn’t work,” I replied. Most people still call the Cȏte d’Ivoire the Ivory Coast.” “Good point,” he said, “but surely Tonga, Antigua & Barbuda and Grenada would be better. Their capitals are Nuku’alofa, St John’s and St George’s.”

“They might be too popular,” I said. “Tonga used to be known as the Friendly Islands. The others are tourist havens. People might misuse apostrophes on purpose in order to be sent there. After all, Chad and Yemen were 113th and 133rd out of 143 in 2024’s World Happiness Index.”

“Just out of interest,” Sir D’Anville asked, “where did Rwanda come on that Index?”

“It’s recorded as ‘insufficient data’.” I said. “The last time it was included was in 2022 – it came 143rd out of 146. Tell Lady Ampersandra that Chad and Yemen are happier places. That may change her mind.”

“Good idea,” he said, and we left it at that.